he goes in...

...he comes out.

tim was admitted thursday afternoon for another round of chemo. i brought him home again saturday late afternoon. it is so amazing to me how 72 hours of chemo can totally transform a person...that is some wicked stuff.

as most of you know that was chemo #4 and yes...it was the ICE again.

you know the old saying "you can look at the glass half full or you can look at the glass half empty"...i have always prided myself on looking at the glass half full and being very optimistic...but recently tim and i have begun to question the reasoning behind why they keep giving the same chemo if the cancer tumors keep coming back (and i am sure we were not the only ones with questions).

so...we decided to get the doctor alone and get some answers...one should be careful sometimes what one asks for...it would take too long to go into all the questions we asked and all the answers we got but the short version of the conversation goes something like this:

we wanted a better grip of the BIG PICTURE...he pretty much told us that this is the real deal. there is no BIG picture. life is taking one day at a time. if it is a good one enjoy it. if it is a bad one...then it is a bad one.

we were looking at the glass half empty...he is looking at it half full. because of the aggressive nature of tims lymphoma he is thrilled (that is probably not the word i am looking for but you know what i mean) that we are getting 25-30 days between chemotherapy until the tumors act up again. i asked if that meant we were going to keep getting the ICE and he said absolutely. the other (previous) chemotherapy regiments are basically the same drugs in different ratio's. tim does pretty good on this chemo so we are going to stick with it for awhile. this cancer is very aggressive and each time it returns it is a little bit stronger. we are going to keep hitting it with chemo until it decides it has had enough or until the chemo doesn't hold any more.

we really had a heart to heart with our lead oncologist and although we didn't like everything he said...he didn't say anything we weren't thinking anyway. sometimes a good dose of reality is a good thing. we were thinking lets do this and lets try that...it is not as easy as one would think. they are not just guessing with our treatment plans...these doctors are some of the best and have given great thought to our individual situation. they have the knowledge and we have the prayers...

i was reading last night and came across this:

WE ARE PRESSED ON EVERY SIDE BY TROUBLES, BUT WE ARE NOT CRUSHED AND BROKEN. WE ARE PERPLEXED, BUT WE DON'T GIVE UP AND QUIT. WE ARE HUNTED DOWN, BUT GOD NEVER ABANDONS US. WE GET KNOCKED DOWN, BUT WE GET UP AGAIN AND KEEP GOING. 2 CORINTHIANS 4:8-8 NLT

i have a favorite saying..."welcome to my world" and this week this verse seems to sum it all up pretty well. it has been a downer kind of week but it is what it is...we can't quit now. the doctors will not quit so we will not quit.

tim will not be thrilled that i posted this blog tonight. he likes to keep things kinda light and fluffy but i have my days where i NEED you to know where we are. things are not always light and fluffy. sometimes we have really SUCKY days. sometimes we don't sleep well at night. somedays we cry alot. somedays we want to get in the car and just drive...and drive and drive.

tim is going through a rough time being post-chemo right now. his emotions are short circuited after the chemo. pray for him. pray for me. pray for the kids. pray for the parents and family and friends who all feel so helpless. and most of all pray for healing.

it really helps knowing that you are all out there in cyberspace cheering us on and supporting us in so many ways.

thanks for checking in.

tim and tammy