kinda bummin'

it has been awhile since i have felt the way i feel today...i wish i could describe to you all how i feel but i have SO MANY emotions all swirling around that i am not even sure exactly how i would categorize it...but i cryed today.

ever have one of those days when you think something will turn out one way and it ends up totally different than you expected or hoped for...well...multipy that by about a couple of thousand and that is where i am at today.

i know that i am being very vague but let me give you an example: tim was so ready to go in and tell the oncology doctor today that he wants to drop down on his steriods and start to wean off some of these medications. what actually happened was that he not only has to stay on the high-dose steroids BUT he also has to take a ridiculous dosage of antibiotics for an infection AND re-start taking his lovenox injections!!!!! (so, instead of saving a pill or two we have added three more a day and a very expensive shot in the belly).

another example: we have been SO EXCITED because we found out that we qualified for a co-pay assistance program through the leukemia-lymphoma society that can actually pay out "up to $5,000" for people having tim's diagnosis...so after hours of forms and meetings and faxes...we finally got our letter today. apparently we qualify for the money and meet all the guidelines but they are sorry to tell us that they "no longer have the funds available". that is just wrong!!!

it seems as though everything we touched and everything we discussed today went south!!!

there is a lot more to tell but i am just not in the mood to tell all the gorey details today. the oncologist said some "bummer" stuff today and during dinner tonight tims tooth fell out and we are having issues with our insurance not paying for something and megs car was in the garage and i could go on and on and that is just TODAY since i got up!!!

so i am going to go to bed and just maybe tomorrow will turn out to be a better day...we can only hope.

tim sees a dentist tomorrow and friday to help with some fractured teeth and swollen face.
tim saw an anethesiologist (?) today because he needs to be asleep for his biopsy/tumor removal.
tim sees a surgeon in the OR the day before thanksgiving to have a tumor removed (or atleast a chunk for a biopsy)

more to follow when we hear anything else official. sorry it is not an uplifting exciting blog update, but i just can't find a whole lot of good to report today. i know that we are to expect days like this but it doesn't mean that i have to like them very well. say an extra prayer for me today...i am feeling rather STRESSED today.

i am sitting at my computer and have to chuckle because directly in front of me is a cup holder that says: "i know GOD won't give me anything I can't handle. (i just wish he didn't trust me so much). "

better days are coming.

thanks for checking in.

tim and tammy