"an old suit"

actually this should be titled "a few old suits"...



as we ALL know there comes that time soon after a loved one passes on that we need to attend to certain necessary things. the list is VERY LONG but at some point there comes a time when one has to get rid of the clothing. some like to do it right away while others seem to want to hang on to things for a bit longer. i doubt that there is a right or wrong time to make that decision. i think each person is different and that when it is time you will know.



in my case i choose to start the process pretty early. perhaps because deep down i ALWAYS wanted HIS closet because it had a light when the door opened (mine did not even have a door let alone a light) or perhaps because i just needed to DO SOMETHING and that was one thing that i could DO.



many of tim's things were given to friends and relatives. some given to people in need. some were given to the salvation army. but there are a few items that are still just "hanging out" here in the house. so the other day i decided to go through some of those last lingering items...what an adventure through memory lane that became.



let's first start off with saying that i was very very glad to be alone while going through my husbands suit jacket pockets. (not because of finding any illegal substances or sex toys-did i just say that- but because it was very emotional for me...i was actually wishing for some illegal substances by the time i was done).



i am not a big "purse carrier" but i suppose that a guys suit jacket is very similar to a womans purse...and that most women do not want guys going through their purses...but i doubt tim was going to mind.



it started off pretty basic...a few life savers and a few kleenex and a few pens and a few dollars. but then i started pulling out the memories. i suppose that someday the memories that i have stowed away with tim will not feel like a knife ripping through my heart but right now i have to admit that they do not only make me cry but they cause me pain. i don't think that i ever really understood what the term "heartache" really meant or felt like until now. i thought i had an idea of how i was going to feel after tim was gone because i have lost a grandparent or an uncle or a mother-in-law...but honestly...i did not have a clue what it feels like to lose a "soul-mate" (but i will save that topic for another post).



so what exactly did i pull out of those pockets...by now you certainly have been able to guess two of the three things that i found.





number 1: the blessed wedding program

i will not say which wedding it was for because that did not matter. what happened when i saw it was that i flew back in time to the MANY MANY weddings that we attended together. from our own wedding way back in 1987 all the way up to his aunt peggy's wedding just recently where we quietly renewed our vows and thanks to the help of co-workers i was able to replace his wedding band right smack in the middle of the ceremony. weddings are going to be rough for me. if looking at programs is tough i can't imagine what sitting through one is going to be like. wish me luck because i have one coming up real soon...and although i am looking forward to the wedding itself i am kinda dreading the actual ceremony part (sorry nicole-hope you can understand coming to your wedding without "uncle tim" is going to be a challenge because he was so looking forward to being there himself. he loved you so much).


number 2: the blessed memorial program


there again it does not matter whose i found or how many i found (what are you supposed to do with those things anyway?) it was like having a visit from the ghost of christmas past...very weird. i started to remember all the MANY MANY funerals that we attended together. in the early years it seemed as though we were going to a funeral a week. tim knew so many people and so each time there was a funeral i would tag along with him (mostly because he would take me out for dinner afterwards). more recently i was finding it a bit harder to attend the funerals because we kinda knew where we were heading and we would sit in a funeral service and he would lean over and say...i want this or i don't want that...or don't you dare let them play that song at my funeral...how depressing...i want it more upbeat...i don't want people to get depressed at my funeral (NO COMMENT HERE...i am trying to keep this PG-13). i am not sure that i will do very well at the future funerals...hopefully there will not be any that i have to attend in the near future.



number 3: the blessed "teeth"



yes...you are not just foggy from tearing up...i said TEETH. for those of you lucky enough to work with me on easter sunday you may have actually seen the teeth. so picture me sitting in my bedroom with a box of kleenex crying my eyes out and reaching into another pocket and pulling out a set of those "billy bob teeth". it was like a voice reaching down from heaven and telling me to lighten up a bit. i had gotten myself into such a mess...you know the kind of mess that you get in where you can't hardly breath and there is snot everywhere and you have a massive headache...tell me WHY those teeth were in the last suit and the last pocket that i searched??? GOD certainly does have a sense of humor and so did tim. the suits that he wore to funerals and weddings and important work meetings held a pair of "teeth" that even after he was gone made me laugh.



like i said earlier i was glad that i was alone that day that i went through the suits only to realize that i was not really ever ALONE. i am not going to be kept from having to go through the grief process (oh goody) but i do know that i am not going through this process alone. i guess i came to understand that it is ok to occasionally go down into that dark and lonely valley (because unfortunately i do think it is a necessary part of this painful process) but i need to remember to come back up also. it is ok to laugh a little during the grieving process.

"but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength..."

thanks for checking in

tammy