home alone...

kinda weird although i think i may be able to get used to it.

i know that i should be somewhere watching the steelers game, but football has kinda lost it's edge recently...perhaps because i felt that i was forced (not really) to watch it for over 20 years and now i have a choice OR perhaps because we always watched it together that it just isn't the same without tim.

thanks to ALL of you who have self-proclaimed yourselves to check on me every couple of minutes...well, doubt that is your intent but when you take a couple hundred people and divide it among everyone it seems like i am being watched-but that is OK (for now).

i was just with my mother and she said that she had to see for herself but she left telling me that she KNOWS that i am ok (which is a stretch for her because i doubt she ever said that i was actually ok). my brother and his wife and my parents were down and we chatted...things are going to certainly be different but i think that because of the lengthy illness and the gradual change in our relationship over the last three years the transition of adjusting without him will be slightly easier than if he would have just died suddenly. (i don't know if that makes any sense to you but to me it makes perfect sense). i certainly lost my BEST FRIEND and he will be missed every minute of every day but i think i actually started my grieving process about three years ago. little by little the cancer took things from tim and our marriage and over time we had to adjust and did so rather easily maybe because the changes came slowly over the last few years. we had a very unique and very open relationship and because of that i think i am definately going to be ok.

i talked to someone yesterday (one of my 4 phone calls while i was in the ladies room at a soccer tournament) who told me something that really seemed to hit home (thanks kathy-slightly paraphrased)...she told me that only GOD knows how long we have here on this earth and because of that tim was able to experience a full life in the 45 years he had here. some people do not get to experience the things we did in 80 years nor do they get to have such an impact on others the way he did in that amount of time. maybe that was why all this time i thought he was ADHD and here all along GOD knew he was rushing around trying to fit 80 plus years into a measly 45 years. we had such a wonderful and fulfilling marriage...we traveled alot, we prayed and worshipped together, had three absolutely amazing daughters, had great jobs, made great friends, stayed great friends...i couldn't have asked for anything more. (except maybe to see the kids graduate and teach them how to drive and walk them down the aisle-but that is another blog update).

i feel blessed to have had those 21 years with the love of my life. i feel blessed to have such a HUGE support system now (even though it is tough to use the restroom sometimes). even my kids are watching out for me (when i feel i should be watching out for them).

enough rambling for one night...thanks for checking in

tammy

ps

ok i admit i am kinda excited that the steelers are in the super bowl (sorry larry)