Blessed....

it has not even been a month since tim is gone yet there are times that i can still almost hear him clear as day...like when i am "blogging" in the middle of the night because i can't sleep i know EXACTLY what he would say if he walked around the corner. (and it wouldn't be the nicest conversation...but i always said that if i can't sleep i can't sleep and laying there is not going to make me fall asleep...so i might as well get up and do something).

i was laying there...thinking...i know it doesn't happen all that often so i should take advantage of it. although i feel like an "open" book to all of you out there in cyberspace there are many many thoughts and feeling that i haven't yet shared (nor am i sure that i will share). but yesterday morning was one of those mornings that i am being somewhat "led" to share so here i go:

i declared yesterday to be "the day of the paperwork"...and i must admit that i was quite proud of myself. i had a "to do" list and was able to check off EVERY ITEM on the list (until the mail came and i had a whole new list again...but that is for another day). i filled out forms and i made copies of social security cards and birth certificates and marriage certificates and drivers licences and short certificates. i called "help lines" consistently throughout the morning because i was stuck here or there on a form (especially the 5 page one that seemed to be in another language). but little by little my list got shorter and i had time to pay some bills.

now this is where it gets weird...when i am home alone i blast the music in my house (don't tell the kids because i am always telling them to turn it down). i am sitting at my kitchen table listening to praise and worship music and paying bills and i just start sobbing. yes...pretty much uncontrollable and the funny part is that it was NOT because i was sad or upset or discouraged...it was because this song came on and i felt so OVERWHELMINGLY BLESSED.

yes i am in the process of using up all the paid copies of my husbands certified death certificates and paying what was leftover from last month and into this months bills and i feel blessed!!! the only way to explain it is that for the first time in a long time (THANKS TO YOUR GENEROUS UNBELIEVABLE OUTPOURING OF FINANCIAL SUPPORT) i was able to sit down and start with the top bill and pay all the way down to the bottom bill without having to pick and choose which ones got paid first. i tallyed up what i owed and then i looked to see what i had and there was just enough to pay every one of them. amazing. (that could be a sermon in itself right there).

it was such "a moment" that i had to just sit for a minute and give GOD all the praises that i could muster up at the time. i was sitting there singing at the top of my lungs (be glad you weren't there for that-be very glad) the song that follows "blessed be your name" . if you are not familiar with it-read the lyrics...they are amazing.

Blessed be your nameIn the land that is plentifulWhere the streams of abundance flowBlessed be your name
Blessed be your nameWhen I'm found in the desert placeThough I walk through the wildernessBlessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,I turn back to praiseWhen the darkness closes in, LordStill I will say...Blessed be the name of the LordBlessed be your nameBlessed be the name of the LordBlessed be your glorious name
Blessed be your nameWhen the sun's shining down on meWhen the world's all as it should beBlessed be your name
Blessed be your nameOn the road marked with sufferingThough there's pain in the offeringBlessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,I turn back to praiseWhen the darkness closes in, LordStill I will say...Blessed be the name of the LordBlessed be your nameBlessed be the name of the LordBlessed be your glorious name
You give and take awayYou give and take awayMy heart will choose to say Lord, Blessed be your name

today i went to the bank and retrieved "57" copies of checks that individuals and companies have sent into the TRUST FOR THE KIDS...yes "57"...WOW...but there were just as many of you out there who must know how the system works and know that there is a HUGE gap in the time you apply for benefits and the time you actually get the benefits and chose to be my blessing this month. THANK YOU ALL. i can not begin to tell you what it has meant to me (and my family) to be able to stress about other stuff and not financial stuff. ('cause i have to admit i was a bit freaked out there for a bit when tim's last pay check was january 9th) but GOD is good!!! HE heard my cries and you all responded.

for every blessing you pour out i turn back to praise...i guess i have a lot more praising to do. i apologize that i have not gotten around to sending out the hundreds of thank you cards yet...they are coming (i promise) but i just wanted to share a little cyber-thank you this morning. i find it hard sometimes to fathom just how much we have been blessed-i hope you can just catch a glimpse here and there and accept my heart-felt gratitude.

thanks for checking in

tammy

ps...keep praying for the kids. kelsey came home sick again yesterday and ashley still hasn't gotten over her respiratory issues.