dinner out...
as you all know by now...everyone wants to know how i am doing
i still have my good days and my bad days
i did have something that kinda "bothered" me the other night. i never told the two couples that i went out to dinner with so i guess now they will know ... i am certain they are faithful bloggers.
i was asked to go out for dinner a couple of weeks ago and of course i said NO because i had to go home and mow my grass ?? like it wouldn't be there in the morning. that should have been my first clue that things were going to get weird.
so having the persistent friends that i have they insisted that i come and even offered/threatened to come pick me up so i told them i would meet them at the restaurant at 6pm (but that i was NOT happy about the lawn not getting done)
now...keep in mind that this is my FIRST time out for dinner (without my kids or my family). it seems as though my kids are becoming quite a stability factor in my life. good or bad i am not sure but i got kinda freaked out that night. (hopefully they were not aware of "what was going on inside my head")
i can't really describe what happened but i just knew that it was time to leave. we had a wonderful dinner and had lots of laughter and conversation but something inside just snapped. they were all going to walk up to another store after dinner and i just excused myself (told them i was going to go home and watch my grass grow even longer) and got into the car. the second i got in the car i just broke down in tears. BOY can i just tell you that if there is one thing that bothers me...this is it. NOT BEING IN CONTROL!!! i hate it!!
now i am sure that m & j feel terrible about right now BUT i am not telling you all this because i blame them...infact i am VERY GLAD that they "coerced" me to go out to dinner that night. i did have a wonderful time and i did enjoy the company...i guess i am just telling you all this because it is "part of the process". that big ugly painful process!!!!
hard to imagine how lonely one can feel even in a crowd and this is "only" after 21 years of marriage. i can't fathom living with someone for 40-50 plus years and then having to go on without them. tough stuff. fred...when you were down yesterday telling me that it will soon be 13 years since the love of your life (tims mom) passed away i wanted so much to ask you if it ever gets any easier-but then i couldn't ask because maybe i don't want to know the answer you would have given me.
there is a song that i used to love...but now when i hear it i tear up everytime.
it is song by carrie underwood and called "just a dream"
"ooh, baby, why'd you leave me? Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm looking from a distance, standing in the background...
This can't be happening to me, this is just a dream."
well...i know it is not a dream but i do know there are times when i am looking from a distance and standing in the background and i can't even breathe. that is what happen the other night when i was out...not a huge fan of that feeling!! (and it is not the first time that has happened)
will i go out to dinner with them again? absolutely (if they ever invite me again)
and the next time i will probably be fine...like i said...it is just a process and if i stop doing things because i am afraid then i might as well become a hermit. never was there a time in my life that i have felt so "vulnerable" and so "not in control". so i take one day at a time and once i get thru that one i start another one.
life is weird.
i have no idea how i am going to react to different situations...although "tears" seems to be the number one response to most things these days (yippie).
i guess i am glad that i don't get angry or depressed and quiet. everyone reacts differently to this kind of "life-changing" event. so if we are out and about and i excuse myself for no apparent reason...just relax. i will be fine.
life is not always as it seems.
life is not always cracking jokes and busting on exercise (but it certainly helps)
i have to admit i am feeling like i have a good mix...i think i am going to be ok?!?!
lonely even in a crowd but ok
thanks for checking in
tammy
ps...and remember i still LOVE to eat out so keep that in mind. (but if ANYONE asks me if i am doing OK during dinner i will probably toss a roll at their head).
posted by tdewalt @ 10:41 AM
5 Comments:
We all know that God works in strange ways. He never gives us a cross heavier than one can bear. You definitely have strong shoulders. Be patient. The void will never go away but it will get a little easier as time goes on. Enjoy the time with your children. Once they leave the nest, well - that's going to be another difficult chapter.
Good updates, Tammy. Just got caught up on treadmill 2 and the others. You go girl!! Take it a day at a time as with all of the other changes you are going through. Praying for you as you walk through this new journey.
Love
Jim and Judy
Tammy,
I have got to say that I agree with with everyone that has said that you are a really strong person. It must take alot for you to share all that you do with everyine in your blog. It has been a year since my grandma lost my grampy, and I know that there is still alot of things that she just cannot do yet. We used to go the the same beach every year, and she told us that she just couldn't go back. She will not go to the same grocery store that they used to shop at, she just isn't ready for all the people that knew grampy to ask her questions. Somethings have gotten better, but there are other things that she just cannot bring herself to do. They were married for 52 but were together for 54. Good for you for pushing yourself to do the stuff that is harder to do. I remember someone telling you to write a novel about this whole experience, I think that you should do it too. I am sure that you would be surprized at how many people would buy it.
Hang in there!
Thinking of you and the girls always!
Thanks again for sharing with all of us bloggers.
I know different situations are going to be harder for you than others. Hang in there. You are a strong person. I would not have been surprised if you would have told us what was in your head that night. We probably would have cried with you. I will invite you out still, but I won't ask how you are doing. I don't want you to mess up my hair. Praying for you. ms
Hi Tammy, Louis says we have grass to mow in Baltimore, too, if you're interested. Also, wondering how good your shot is with the roll at a distance before asking " . . . ?"
We're laughing and praying! God bless you!
Louis and Martha
Post a Comment
<< Home