meltdown #1

you know that it is probably not a "good" thing to have to label that title with a number because that gives the "assumption" that there will be a #2...but i am pretty sure that this was not my last one.

someone out there jinxed me when they asked me if i had gone through all those "stages" of the grieving process...they asked if i was ANGRY and i said that i was not angry and that i probably already went through that stage when tim was diagnosed a few years ago...boy was that a load of B.S.

last night i was angry!!!

let me back up a bit...wednesday morning bright and early 5:30am wake up and ready for work. so far so good.

on the way out the door i noticed that if i was to go through the yard to my car i would probably need a machete but with all the rain and stuff there wasn't much i could do about it. the weeds and grass and dandelions had grown to an embarrassing length. (embarrassing for the home owner)

so off to work...pretty uneventful.

on the way home i noticed that it actually looked kinda "dry" outside so i got home around 5:30 went in the front door and changed my shoes (left on my work clothes) and out the back door to the shed.

i started the "self-propelled" lawn mower (details of the mower to be left for another blog entry )and we had a little chat about needing to get this lawn done BEFORE the rains came and off we went. 15 minutes into the mowing of the meadow my daughter calls and needs a ride home from a baseball game at the far other end of the township.

so i turn off the mower and put it away incase the rains come and run to get her. as we are getting off the front street exit i see a rain drop on my window...no way...i am determined to get this lawn done tonight!!! (besides i have been using my treadmill for 3 weeks now...i can do this).

so back to the shed and out comes the lawn mower and now i am going faster than the mower...i know that is very hard to believe but due to a minor back issue i am medicated and feeling pretty good.

you ever get to that place where you are so focused on what you are doing that you kinda zone out everything else around you? i had looked up once and saw the neighbor two doors down mowing his grass and the guy on the far side of him mowing his grass so i thought "let's get this done".

the next time i looked up i realized that the neighbors had gone inside and that i was mowing the grass in what i would call just shy of a down pour...yes...i have rain dripping off my hair and my nose and my clothes are soaked BUT i got the lawn mowed!!! now i head over to the hose to rinse off the mower and make sure the underneath is cleared off and put the mower away. by now i am totally drenched and my back starts to spasm...so i sit down in the shed for a bit and start to think...bad thing to do.

it is garbage night so i get up (barely) and drag the garbage cans to the curb and go into the house...and the first thing i hear is someone complaining that it is going to rain the evening of may 15th??? how does she know this on may 6th??? the next thing i hear is that i need to help someone with their homework (that they had weeks to get done and is due tomorrow). i move through the house and i hear that there is no food in the house (i could have sworn there was a can of red beets in the cupboard). then off the the next room and i was asked what was for supper???

now...keep in mind i worked all day and i still have rain drops dripping from my hair and my clothes are soaked and my back is killing me...welcome to MELTDOWN #1.

my best guess is that it is about 7:30pm and throw my keys on the mantle and announce that i don't really care what is for supper and that i am going to my room and do NOT want to be disturbed...GOOD NIGHT!!! and that was it...i went to my room and came out at 4am.

i will not go into details of what transpired in my room but i can tell you there was ANGER...not because my kids wanted supper or help with the homework...i hope someday they will understand that...but all those emotions that i have had stored away came crashing out. going to my room was good because the kids just think mom is grumpy tonight and they made pancakes.

what a mess i was...

i was angry at tim for not being here
i was angry at God for taking him away too soon
i was angry at the cancer for coming
i was angry at the chemo for not working
i was angry at me for not being stronger and able to cope
i was angry at the kids for not being able to understand when i am hurting
i was angry at the dog...oh that's right we don't have a dog

you get my point...

i am doing a little bit better today but now i am mostly just embarrassed. not that i am grieving necessarily but that i didn't handle it very well last night. as tim used to say..."i will try harder next time"

(the yard looks nice)

thanks for checking in

keep praying...this is tough stuff

tammy