Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

Monday, November 23, 2009

appoaching the holidays...

...this blog entry can go in two different directions

...first from the "being on a diet" aspect. i have decided that Thanksgiving I will be going off the wagon for a bit (which is OK) but it is not just the day itself. did anyone out there notice that almost every thing that we do in november and december involves FOOD. maybe it is just me and maybe it is just because i am on a diet but i think that my whole life before "the diet" revolved around food. (perhaps that would explain why it is going to take me a year or more to reach my goal weight)

as we get closer to all the "really good" stuff like the homemade christmas cookies and pumpkin rolls and the work parties and the family parties and the new sonic opening right down the street...i start to have mini-anxiety attacks. can i handle all this pressure? well, so far i have not been able to go ONE day without someone either giving me a call or shooting me an e-mail or sending me a text (thanks robin) asking me how i am doing on this diet. i personally think that this is an amazing statement to make. I have been dieting for almost 25 days now and not one of those days was i left alone. unbelievable!

are you sometimes driving me crazy...absolutely.

are you sometimes getting me through a crisis day...absolutely.

are you sometimes catching me right before i cave in to my cravings...more than once!!!

talk about feeling guilty...the other day i was staring at this banana laffy taffy all afternoon and i had just about had reached my limit. i must have walked past it a dozen times. i was home alone and with no one around i can actually hear the candy calling my name. and someone (not my AP) called me on the phone to chat and told me how proud they were of me and yadda yadda yadda. i sheepishly got off the phone went and took the taffy out of my sight so that i wouldn't be tempted and i was good the rest of the day.

so thanks to all of you out there who took my request to have all been great. (almost as if you know what i am going through...)

...secondly from "being tim-less" aspect. i am not expecting a great holiday season emotionally. i will go into more detail in a blog early december but already i am noticing more tears...and at the dumbest times. for example...i was on my way to work the other morning and the sun was rising. has anyone who lost someone tend to get super emotional at the sunrises and the sunsets>>>i am a mess. maybe because they are so beautiful that it reminds me of heaven and from there i am looking for the kleenex. tears just start to stream down my face.

but the other day it was not really the sunrise that got me...believe it or not it was elton john!!! and the funny part was that i do not even know what song he was singing but it was the fact that it was elton john. it took me back to the night of the elton john/billy joel concert.

i love live concerts and most the time i don't even care who is singing.

tim loved football and baseball and basketball and most of time didn't even care who was playing.

i started to think back to ALL those concerts that he got me tickets for (most of which he even suffered through going to them with me). and how he pretended to like to go with me, kinda the way i pretended to like the sporting events he took me to. it made me think about how flexible we both were always wanted the other one to be happy and just how awesome of a husband he was. it was just some random dumb thought and i totally lost it while driving to work. i actually had to sit in my car quite awhile before going into work.

you know it is getting close to the holidays when elton john can make you cry.

keep us all in your prayers. the holidays are speeding our way and i am not sure i am totally ready to attack them.

thanks for checking in



Blogger Deb D said...

We miss him too. The other day I had to go and take the final design and count for the Uncle Tim Memorial T-Shirts that Lindz had made and will be running in on Thurs. and I almost lost it right there in Mason's Monogramming. I'll be lifting you up in several areas for sure.


November 23, 2009 4:18 PM  
Blogger Katie Dewalt said...

Tammy, dear...Everything you're experiencing and all that you wrote about is "normal." (what a dopey concept when nothing is really "normal")
What I mean is that it's pretty much the shared experience of anyone who has lost a beloved...a beloved anyone!
Sunrise is beautiful and should be the beginning of another day with THAT person in one's it can bring tears.
Sunset---at least for me---signals the end of a day, which should be winding down the way it used to [long ago in my case, but not very long in yours...thus the rawness]
It means a missing place at the dinner table, the lost comfort of sharing daily concerns...and then a pillow that one is free to knock off the bed or use to warm one's feet. (that's just WRONG!)
There's no sense in enumerating the absences. That is senseless suffering. But sometimes the tears are needed. Cry them, because they'll cleanse your fragmented 'self.'
Once the pain has lessened somewhat, it has been my experience that God sends someone or something, in some way, to lift me try and lift my sadness.
While that "kindness" reminds me He's aware of my aching heart; to be honest, it doesn't often help long- term.
However, His "touch" imprints on my soul that He does love me (and you)and will lift me/you again at the inevitable next time.
I love you, too!
Keeping you all in my prayers...
Aunt Katie

November 23, 2009 5:51 PM  
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January 21, 2010 5:36 AM  

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