it's unofficial...

it's unofficial...but i might maybe have my interview on monday!!! yes, i was once again postponed. the only good part about the postponing of the interview is that i don't really feel that nervousness as much...more like frustration and just wanting it to be over.

it's unofficial...but i might maybe have hit my christmas goal weight a little early. i started this diet on halloween and wanted to be down 30 pounds by christmas. i cheated and checked today instead of waiting until tuesday -my official weigh-in day-and we are looking good. (sorry, i am just a little excited...sorry charlene-sorry mary)

i have been hearing a lot lately about how much i have inspired people...

i have been hearing a lot lately about how much i have motivated people...

i have been hearing a lot lately about how much i have guilted people...

where in the world were all you people when i was killing myself with carbs...

where in the world were all you people when i was setting such a bad example for my kids...

where in the world were all you people when i was a couch potato...

i guess you were not in my CLOSET since i was such a closet eater or else i would have seen you in there. yes, i admit i was a bit secretive with most of my indulgent behavior...in fact i am still finding food hidden through out my house. found a large pack of sixlets the other day...boy they were tough to throw away. (one of my favorite chocolate snacks next to snickers and M&M's and three musketeers and skor and chunkey and almond joy and heath and reese's and milky way and butterfinger and just plain ole hershey bar with almonds). i was a mess...and have a sneaky suspicion still am a bit.

i guess a lot of you were just sitting there feeling sorry for me (along with me feeling sorry for me) which i guess is ok...but PLEASE PLEASE keep a closer and more verbal eye on me now. (can eyes be verbal???)

no more pity parties allowed...i need to be strong and my AP is certainly keeping me in line but she can't be everywhere. if you see me out and about...watch close. especially now around the holiday's...i was so tempted to cheat the other day until kelsey made a comment about whether i could eat that or not...BUSTED.

i am getting all sorts of complements already and i thank you. but please remember that i have only lost 30% of my goal weight loss and i still have a long ways to go. i can't start to cave in and cheat or reward myself with food (which is very tempting) just because i have lost 30 pounds. maybe i will try and negotiate a pasta night after 50 pounds but not yet!!!! i really do have a carb addiction and just like any other addiction like alcohol or drugs or smoking...one fall of the wagon can be a disaster.

i am struggling with feeling "all that good" about myself. i still have the feelings of "embarrassment" and "loser" in my mind and i am so far from admitting that i am feeling "inspiring" or "motivating". perhaps as i get closer to my goal weight i will feel a little better about myself. but i will keep trying...thanks for all your support.

i have been asked often why i picked BEFORE the holiday to start...i guess i figured that if i can lose 30 pounds with all this temptation around then it should be smooth sailing once we hit the new year...or maybe it was because for the first time in my life i was actually ready to admit that i had a problem. (and i found someone who was willing with super-human powers to deal with all my issues).

that woman is blessed. i don't like her very much most days (kidding-sorta) but she is blessed.

well, enough rambling for one night. i guess that i just wanted to say thanks for all the kudos but just remember that i am far from "fixed" and still need the KEEP MOVING...STAY FOCUSED!!!!

i have started walking on a pretty regular basis...not a huge fan. i will save those thoughts for another day.

thanks for checking in

tammy