lets talk about...

me in the kitchen.

very scary.

even with me not being on a diet it was scary but add a low carb diet and an ipod and what you have is something just short of "needing to be institutionalized".

i am sure that most of you are wondering WHY i would go into my kitchen (since i don't really cook). funny the things your kids can get you to do...meg sent me her WISH list of food...you know that list that she has been craving since heading out to school.

... i head out to the grocery store this morning and buy all the ingredients for the WISH list plus a few other things i know she likes. so far so good.

...i go get my new toy and put it on praise and worship shuffle. (first mistake)

...i am making about 100 meatballs with sweet and hot sausage. does anyone know the last time i made those meatballs which happens to have been one of tim's favorites (second mistake)

...i made a decision a while back to take off my wedding rings. (third mistake)

...and for some odd reason i decided to make peanut butter fudge which happens to be the absolute favorite mr tim food that i ever made. (fourth mistake)

so...here we go. i am jamming the music and make my fudge first which actually goes pretty well until a song came on talking about "faith for the widow" and "strength for the weak" and i kinda lose it...but i make a quick recovery. (really how many songs are there out there that mention a widow????)

off to the meatballs. ALWAYS ALWAYS the first step in meatball making 101 is the removal of the wedding rings. ouch.

i am now tearing up freezing my hands off mixing the cold meat with the other three ingredients (remember never more than 4 ingredients) my hands hurt so bad and now tears are streaming down my face while mixing the meatballs and the song that starts playing is "it is well with my soul". a part of me wanted to throw the mixture out the window but as i stood in the kitchen listening it actually became soothing. (thought of you dd).

when peace like a river attendeth my way

when sorrows like sea billows roll:

whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say,

it is well, it is well, with my soul.

though satan should buffet, though trials should come,

let this blessed assurance control,

that christ has regarded my helpless estate,

and hath shed his own blood for my soul.

my sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought!

my sin, not in part but the whole,

is nailed to the cross, and i bear it no more,

praise the lord, praise the lord, o my soul.

for me, be it christ, be it hence to live:

if jordan above me shall roll,

no pang shall be mine, for in death as in life

thou wilt whisper thy peace to my soul.

but lord, 'tis for thee, for thy coming we wait,

the sky, not the grave, is our goal:

oh, trump of angel! oh, voice of the lord!

blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

and lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight,

the clouds be rolled back as a scroll:

the trump shall resound, and the lord shall descend,

even so, it is well with my soul.

i did recover and the meatballs actually turned out pretty well (not too salty). i don't want meg to feel bad for requesting them because it seems to be one of those stupid RITUAL things that you must go through and deal with-then you are better for awhile. i am better for awhile.

never would have thought that peanut butter fudge and meatballs could spark such a reaction. and perhaps if i was playing van halen i would not have had such a reaction...but i am actually glad that i was playing the music that i was playing. plus it could be related to the fact that i was at the cemetery yesterday...that didn't go real well either.

i need to remember that this christmas is going to be different but compared to the last few christmas's tim is SO MUCH in a better place. he suffered so much and it always seemed to be worse at the holidays. i will take the sadness and loneliness anytime over having to watch him suffer the way he did.

thanks for checking in

tammy

ps...stay tuned for part #2 me in the kitchen while on a diet.