sat with a friend...

i sat with a friend tonight who has a similar family situation as i do.

i had to choke back tears as we sat there talking about the fact that our daughter(s) will not have the chance to experience their dad meeting "the prom date" at the door and grill him with questions about his intentions for the evening.

i had to choke back tears as we sat there talking about the fact that our daughter(s) will not have the chance to experience their dad at "graduation"...whether it be from high school or from college.

i had to choke back tears as we sat there talking about the fact that our daughter(s) will not have the chance to experience their dad "walking them down the aisle" on their wedding day or dancing that special father/daughter dance. i know tim and one of the twins already had their special song picked out...

(ok...i admit it...i cried a little at that one)

i am not a big fan of having to be the mom and the dad...i actually had to meet a "boy" that wanted to date my daughter this past weekend...yuk!!! (not the boy...he was fine) but that sort of thing is such a "dad thing".

we used to share the role of "good parent" and "bad parent" and now i seem to be the "bad parent" much more than the good. no one to split the time with.

is it any wonder that i feel stressed all the time and use food to comfort me??

...if you said yes...you go girl...if you want to eat you just go ahead and eat.

...then you are NOT my accountability partner. and what makes her think that she knows how i am feeling...she was the one i was talking with. she is about 13 years ahead of me but she knows. she knows what i am feeling and she knows it is hard. she knows that i struggle and she knows that i cry. she knows when i eat and why i eat and she is determined to get me through this grief process being able to lose the weight instead of gain the weight.

she keeps me on my guard all the time. she is unpredictable. one minute she can be in a room comforting me crying with me and telling me that she totally understands what i am going through (and i know that she does) and the very next minute she will be telling me that because of my diet meltdown...when i leave her house tonight i MUST go home and walk 3 miles on my treadmill. and by the way i am going to walk 3 miles on the treadmill tomorrow night and the next night too until i am told i can stop. i am also going to have to write down EVERY THING that goes into my mouth and walk it up to her house every night so we can go over it and modify my walk if needed. but she totally understands what i am going through....you ever watch dr jekyll and mr hyde???

(i can promise you that i will NOT be cheating this week...60 straight minutes of walking each night is more than enough for me)

is that bizarre or what...you ever watch the twilight zone???

but i have to admit that she is exactly what i need to get me through this rough time. i would have gained at least 37 pounds in the last three months but because of her influence in my life i have lost 37 pounds. i needed someone who has "walked the walk" to tell me to get a grip and re-channel my stress and anger and grief in something besides food.

we are still working through many many issues but we haven't killed each other yet...or should i clarify...she hasn't killed me yet. she seems to know exactly what i need at each crisis and seems to even be in tune with my limitations. she pushes me to be better in many areas of my life and in the process i do end up getting LOTS of exercise. (someday i suppose i will have to thank her for that...but i am pretty sure it will not be this week)

well...gotta go put in my 3 miles and stay out of the kitchen. i have been walking one mile here and there and then doing a little this or that and then back on the treadmill for another leisurely half mile or so...but this 60 minutes at a 3.0 pace night after night might be the end of me. it certainly gets my heart rate up and certainly wakes my legs up and it more importantly it certainly keeps me from snack-grazing in the evenings. (this lady is good)

pray for me.

thanks for checking in

tammy