coming to an end...

...an end of the "first" year without a husband, a father, a friend.

...an end to the "first" year of all the "first's"...thank goodness.

i refuse to dwell on the fact that we are approaching the anniversary of tim's passing but i also would be foolish to think that all of you out there aren't wondering how we are doing.

the girls and i haven't really talked all that much about it other than the fact that everyone seems to be aware that this saturday is january 9th and we are trying to all keep busy. meg will be busy getting ready to head back to PSU. ash will be busy trying to keep busy. kels probably will be working at old navy. and we all will probably end up at the farm show at some time throughout the day.

i suppose at some point we should all get together and watch a sporting event and drink a pepsi...in memory

i recently read a quote from hilary stanton zunin:

"the risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief
but the pain of grief
is only a shadow
when compared with the pain
of never risking love."

i guess that is what i would call the NO REGRETS quote.

this last month or so has been so much harder than i could have ever imagined...and i know that there are no promises that on january 10th the pain will go away...

but even with all the grief and all the pain i still can say that i have no regrets...in the 21 years that i was married to that man i was able to experience so many awesome and amazing things. i often sit and think back to all the wonderful pepsi trips we went on and then find myself almost enjoying the nights we sat on the living room floor for hours playing a game of rummy just as much.

we would start out playing to 500 and if i was winning he would switch it to 1000 and if i was still winning he would switch it to 1500...i think you get the point.

i see him on a daily basis each time i look at one of the girls...i never realized how much of tim they have in them...they find that statement kinda scary but i find it reassuring. he was a good man full of wonderful qualities. i would be proud to say that my girls are a lot like their father.

he was such a blessing to me and the girls and he is so missed...i wish i could express the way i really feel tonight as i remember so many stories and so many memories of the last 20 some years. someday i will be able to experience the memories without all the pain and then maybe i can express my feelings better but for now...i ask for your continued prayers.

we are going to be fine...but it does take time.

thanks for checking in

tammy