Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

mini-sabbatical is over...

...i wish i could give you a "good" reason for my total and complete meltdown with regards to my diet over the holiday but i can't seem to narrow it down to one particular reason.

some of the options:

the pure and simple fact that it is the holiday

the stress of the new "full-time" position

the missing the love of my life so much

the being surrounded by food at all times

the list could go on and on and on...but whatever the reason i had to come to grips with the fact that it was time to get back on the wagon and get myself together and be serious again.

i feel that i owe some of you an apology because i had asked you to keep an eye on me and let me know if you saw me slipping...many of you saw me slipping and you had the guts to tell me and yet i still blew you off...i am really sorry. i feel terrible that i gave some of you a hard time and in my own way kinda told you to "bug off". bad bad tammy. i am really sorry.

i guess i was in the middle of a emotional meltdown and i got a bit snippy over the diet stuff. i actually was a REBEL and not only stopped dieting but i starting eating all the stuff that i know is dangerous for me to eat...MAJOR CARBVILLE. i have to think that it was mostly the stresser of missing tim at the holiday's that sparked such a terrible response but even so that is no excuse.

i had a long talk with my AP and we decided that i need to find a way to separate my "diet issues" from my "widow issues". they are two totally separate issues and the one can't keep feeding off of the other one. we are trying to work through this but in the meantime...i am back on track and not so scary anymore.

if you happened to be one of the poor unfortunate souls that came into contact with me over the last 10 days or so...please forgive me if i offended you and PLEASE don't quit on me. keep on watching me and don't let me scare you away. gang up on me if you have to...schedule an intervention if you have to...lock me in a closet is you have to. don't let me crash like this again. i was sluggish and had headaches and body aches and was depressed and...well, let's just say that i don't want to go there again...EVER.

i don't think that i will ever get to the point that i was at last least i hope i never get to the point that i was at last week. it was a very scary place to be. emotionally i was a mess. there was only carbs going in and absolutely no exercise to burn them off...hence the reason that i gained 8 pounds in about 10 days.

i am now on track to loss those 8 pounds as fast as i gained them and then off to fight the next goal. i will be 33 pounds lighter when i recover from this set-back and i hope to head right into at least 50 pounds lighter by spring. i know that is only 17 pounds (plus the 8) but the weight is soon going to come off much slower and i want to be smart about it and not get crazy.

many of you are wondering what happened to make me get back on track certainly was not my will-power. that flew out the window about 10 days ago. was not my AP-in fact i re-grouped before i talked to her. was not my kids harping on me. was not mary driving me crazy.

it was something that happened to me on christmas day when i had someone approach me at my "lowest" point and tell me that i was an inspiration to them. they told me that they were able to begin a life-style change and they have started to lose weight (20 pounds so go girl). talk about feeling like a smuck.

they had no idea that i had fallen off the wagon.

they had no idea that i cried the whole way home in the car.

i felt so selfish and i was embarrassed that i let myself get so down in the dumps to the point of gaining 8 pounds!!! this person without knowing it has turned my life back in the right direction...and i should be thanking her. i hardly feel that i could inspire anyone with all my mistakes and all my emotional baggage that i keep carrying around. but if my dieting and my blogging can help someone else i guess i will keep on dieting and keep on blogging.

i am back on the diet track and after the new year i will get back on the exercise track.

thanks for checking in



Blogger Deb D said...

Get yourself back on that wagon and press on! The end result tastes so much better than anything you can ever cheat on. So keep in mind the goal and get back in there!!


December 30, 2009 8:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tammy, no time like the present to get back in there. One day at a time, girl. Take it slow. Praying for you. A Christian weight loss program I have read about is called "Lose It For Life". They stress that in order to lose it for life you need to find out what the "It" is in your life. Why do you eat what you eat, when, etc. You are on the right track.
Keep in touch.
Jim and Judy

December 30, 2009 9:23 AM  
Blogger Katie Dewalt said...

Tammy...You can stop beating yourself up now. What's done is done and it's water under the bridge.
You HAVE been an inspiration...but no one on this planet is perfect.
You HAVE done amazingly well in your determination to lose weight and be healthy...but unless you choose to super-glue your lips, there will be "forbidden" stuff that slips by.
You HAVE those of us who love you still praying and pulling for your success...but no one is going to condemn you for giving in to your pain.
You HAVE everything you need to succeed and you WILL succeed, because you're who you are!
"Firsts" are hard...they're very painful and they probably cause more meltdowns, outbursts & [seemingly] overwhelming grief than the successive years. But no year will be without its reminders of Tim...would you want that?
And while in the future, you'll find more to remember and laugh about, there will always be the unexpected "stab" in your heart at the vacuum left by him.
You got through this one and you're back on track with your diet and IT'S ONLY DECEMBER 30TH! (and you wonder why we think you're an inspiration...)
Lighten up, girl! [oh..wait...that's what you're doing! :>)
The prayers continue for you and the kids and---btw---Congratulations on your new job!
XO x 4 from Aunt Katie

December 30, 2009 1:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Tammy,

Congrats on the weight loss. You won't catch me giving you slack because I'm nowhere near where you are at - and I need to get there. You'll be my inspiration when I embark on my annual New Year's "I will lose weight this year. No really - I will." campaign. Obviously that has not worked.

Anyway, I want you to know you guys have been in my thoughts and prayers a lot lately.

Kevin D.

December 31, 2009 10:52 AM  
Anonymous Sherri Geyer said...

You hang in there! It is so much harder to make changes in diet, because we need food to live. An alcoholic can live without alcohol, but we need food. My prayers are with you and the girls! Congratulations on the job!

December 31, 2009 11:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Tammy. I, too, fell off the wagon a little over the last week, but we press on. Through my 27.6 pounds I have thought of you often and you have inspired me, too. It's a new year and everyone will seen new us's(I know that's not a word, but you know what I mean)! The exercise thing is no fun, but it's just something we have to do, I guess. Keep on keepin on!

December 31, 2009 12:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't beat yourself up because you are human and with all the stress in your life, starting a new full time job, going through the first of so many holidays with so many remembrances of how much you miss Tim, having a daughter go off to college, having twins start driving, and then to be on a diet and exercise program, that's a whole lot of stress, there's a song "we fall down and we get up, we fall down and we get up. The important part is getting up and you are a strong woman, you will succeed at everything you try to do with God's strength. No one is strong every moment of every day and no one is perfect except our Dear Lord Jesus and He loved us while we were yet sinners so we know he loves us now that we are his children. Love all of you will keep praying. Keep on keeping on Love & Prayers Delores & Harold

January 01, 2010 1:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Tammy,

I just wanted to touch base with you and let you know Nancy and i continue to pray for you. I like your attitude of looking forward to 2010.

Pastor Terry and Nancy

January 04, 2010 12:38 PM  

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