expectations vs reality

my expectations of this holiday were set a bit too high i believe. i guess i actually thought that just because i got a new tree and new ornaments and changed stuff up a bit plus the fact that it has been almost a year...i would be ok...that was so NOT TRUE.

preparing for this christmas has been the hardest thing that i have faced since tim passed away. he was MR CHRISTMAS and i was mrs grinch. having to become ms christmas was a real challenge...but i thought i had to suck it up and give it a try for the kids sake. what a disaster...i am sitting here at my computer on christmas eve waiting for kelsey to get home from work and tears are streaming down my face...i am such a wreck and in about an hour i have to sit and have our "family" christmas with the kids and open up gifts and be happy. i know i am going to lose it and it makes me so angry.

i am not angry about having to do the family thing...i am angry that i can't seem to pull myself together. i know that i have to be patient and give myself time...but i am a mess tonight. i couldn't even muster up enough energy to go to church tonight. i knew that i would sit there and think about how tim is up there at the biggest most awesome birthday celebration that anyone could ever imagine. i knew that i would cry through the entire service. i knew the kids would worry about me...so we stayed home (although it is doubtful i am going to make it through the night without a meltdown).

so i guess the reality of this christmas 2009 is that for me it is really sucky. i miss tim terribly and i miss his child-like love of the holiday...he loved everything about christmas. the reason for the season...the giving of the gifts...the family and friends gathering together...the caroling...the reading of the scriptures...absolutely everything.

i know that all the literature says that the holidays are always rough...but i never dreamed that they were going to be this painful.

such a huge part of me is missing without tim and i am struggling to fill it with anything. (not even chocolate is helping).

so...for all of you out there who have lost a loved one...i feel your pain. for all of you out there sitting with your loved ones...give them a big hug, tell them you love them and make this christmas a great one because i for one know that you never ever know what this next year will bring. live out each day like you might not get this one again next year.

i know each year will get better with time.

i know it is to soon to expect sanity.

but those of you who know me best know that i hate this emotional garbage...i am so not a fan.

i wanted to shoot out a happy holiday greeting blog post tonight but i pride myself on my honesty and "real" blog entries...so this is what you are going to get. a bit of a bummer tonight but i will pull through just fine. i will get through tonight and my kids will help. and tomorrow i have the most amazing co-workers that will help me get through the day. i will be fine...and soon this year will be over and there will be no "first times"...you know...the first high school graduation without tim...the first thanksgiving without tim...the first christmas without tim

for those of you who have been around for a while...go back and check out the blog from december 27th, 2008. just two days after last christmas we told the world that tims days were numbered...talk about a tear-jerker blog. sorry about that but it was what it was...just like this is what it is...crappy.

i am glad that i am working the next few days...it will keep me focused on something besides me and my grieving issues.

please keep our family in your prayers throughout the next few weeks...they are going to be rough but with god's help and your prayers and love and support we will get through just fine. we roll right from christmas into the new year directly into the one year anniversary. good time for me to be going full-time. down-time is sad-time. keep me busy.

thanks for checking in and i REALLY DO HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY...i just can't be overly jolly this year...sorry

tammy