who's crying now?

i was actually on the treadmill attempting to burn off a portion of those orange cream calories and that song came on my IPOD...i just cracked up.

who's crying now?

why something so good can hurt so bad

neither could change their headstrong ways

so many wrongs or rights

only so many tears you can cry (that is where i beg to differ)

and they thought they were singing about LOVE...yeah right.

so...by now you are ALL wondering what exactly did my accountability partner do or say when she found out that i went off track so soon into the 30 day BOOT CAMP...

i don't usually share my personal AP stuff with the world wide web but for some reason this time i have felt very strongly about sharing...i am not really sure why but here it is...for all of you out there who have told me that you want your own AP (you may want to re-think that)

i ALWAYS have had this guilt thing that when i mess up i have to fess up but this time i was not in a really big hurry to confess...so it was really late on saturday night when i got up enough nerve to plead for forgiveness and accept my consequences for multiple infractions that friday night.

she made me wait until sunday night to send her response...i was slightly anxious about the fact that it was taking her so long...but didn't think that it was a good sign (i was right)

something you need to know about my AP...she has this LOVING, KIND, NON-JUDGEMENTAL ANNOYING PERSONALITY...i wish that over the course of the last 6 months she would have once yelled or screamed or told me that i was an idiot...but no...this AP is cool and calm and patient and yes i find that extremely annoying.

(for all of you biggest loser fans...she is the exact opposite of jillian...but for some reason this makes me so much more guilty to have to go to her and fess up...kinda bizarre)

it was even annoying how she started the assignment...here are a few things to do to FOCUS ON RECOVERY from friday night...she sounds so sweet doesn't she??

i will not go into all the gorey details of the exact "recovery" plan that she created but i can tell you that it is taking me a whole FOUR DAYS to recover.

the first part i had to write an honest appraisal of the circumstances that led to my downfall...she included phrases like "too painful" and "soul-searching" and "honest self-assessment" and "what is motivating you to do things that derail your commitment"...deep stuff...and this is not just jotting down a few sentences. we are talking college essay. (could be my least favorite because this is when i need to actually admit that i have no one to blame but myself...and all that gross "comes from the heart" stuff)

the second part must be her favorite...the affirmation. at least she didn't make me come up with my own one this time. but i can tell you that after 4 days of this i do know that: I AM A STRONG, CAPABLE, COMPETENT WOMAN WHO CAN CONTROL MY CHOICES WITH THE HELP OF GOD AND OTHERS WHO CARE ABOUT ME. she tends to see things in me that i sometimes have trouble seeing...but she has a sure fire way of making sure that i absorbed it this time (and that is all i really care to share about that).

the last part was the dreaded...estimate the number of calories...find out how much EXTRA exercise will be needed to burn them off and get it done with in the next 4 days. normally an assignment like this would not be too big of a deal...10-12 extra miles on the treadmill over a 4 day period of time...BUT keep in mind that according to my 30 day contract i am already getting up at 5 am and walking one mile before i go into work and then every other day i am doing a weight-training and elliptical workout in the evening. add to this the fact that i work full-time plus have 3 soccer games this week plus one college prep night at the high school plus need to feed my family.

can i just tell you that i am so not a fan of orange cream smoothies any more...

there are nights i am working out until 11pm and falling into bed just before midnight and at 5am i am back on the treadmill...who's crying now? i am too old for this nonsense.

can i just tell you that i am so not a fan of orange cream smoothies any more...

i did the assignment and i did survive (barely) but i must admit that i never actually got upset with my AP for assigning it. somewhere in the course of the last few months i have learned to accept responsibility for my actions (even if there are severe consequences). maybe that book is helping...that's depressing.

will i go off track again...absolutely

will it be soon...doubtful

over the last few months i have found that i am making better choices...i still crave stuff and sometimes allow myself a treat (and yes...my AP allows special nights off and treats occasionally) but her goal is to make me aware of not only what i do BUT why i do it and how i can prevent it or perhaps avoid getting myself into stressful dieting situations.

i once again am sending out an appeal to all of you in the 'burg area...help me out. from now until the big prom day (may 8th)...no sweets or carbs for tammy. the kids are on-board if they see me cheat they are required to call my AP immediately. (rumor has it that if my kids catch me going off plan the consequences will be doubled and i am not sure that i can live through that so i have to be good...esp around the kids.)

hope you enjoyed a good laugh or two at my expense...i actually have to chuckle myself when i think back to when i was frantically digging through the cupboards to find my blender...boy was i ever on a mission...followed by hours and hours and hours of exercise and writing and thought-provoking icky stuff.

i know to many of you this sounds so totally bizarre any you wonder WHY on earth i would let someone do this to me...but have you seen me lately? a solid 45 pounds lighter (with more to lose) and able to get around without creaking and i think i may just be smiling a bit more than usual...4 nights of torturous activity to make me think twice about consuming an EXTRA 1000 calories at 9 o'clock at night...is so worth it in the long run. to me this woman is a GOD-SEND and although i can be stubborn at times she can hold her own and somehow manages to usually get through to me.

thanks for checking in

tammy