first day back...

...today was my first day back to work since before christmas. i have to admit that i didn't sleep real well last night, but i managed to get up and get moving and it wasn't all that bad. i have to work 4 of the next 5 days (this is going to be a challenge).

megan made it home from her trip down south and seems to have recovered quite well. she had a wonderful experience-one that she will treasure for many years to come. it really did her good to get away, spend time with her friends, be a willing participant in helping others in need, and it has certainly given her a new outlook on many things. (it would be wise not to whine or complain to her anytime in the near future...she is all about realizing how fortunate we are and how bad other people really have it) it was a real eye-opener for her and i am so proud of her. she choose to put aside her own issues and problems and concentrate on others for the whole week...awesome.

the twins are doing good. they are keeping me busy...running here and running there.

well, i have so much more to say but i do have to get up at 3:30am for another wonderful day of work (i start at 5am on sunday). GO STEELERS.

keep an eye out in a day or so...i will have another update.

thanks for checking in
thanks for all your prayers.

tammy

webster says

sad: affected with or expressive of grief or unhappiness

to me that definition is very vague...let me add some more meaning to this word sad:

feeling sick to your stomach to the point you think you may be getting the flu
not wanting to eat anything one day
wanting to eat the entire box of ring dings the next
not wanting to get out of bed in the morning one day
not being able to sleep and can't wait until morning comes the next
feeling achy and sluggish one day
not really feeling anything the next
wanting to cry when you see a PEPSI commercial
wanting to cry when you look at the girls
feeling like a huge piece of you is just missing

i guess i fit more into the grief category than the unhappiness category...i actually feel that i am at that sorta "feeling sorry for myself" stage that i absolutely HATE. i know that this is part of the natural process but i can still hate it-right?? i am one of those self-psyco-analyzers...very scary.

i know that this grief thing takes many turns and it is doubtful that i will find any of them to be fun...this just really isn't my thing...but i am trying.

I AM FINE...but i am sad.

i still get out and about
i still hang with the girls
i still will call a friend
i still function quite well

...but i am sad.

everyday i read this little book my mom gave me years and years ago and i go to page 74 where it says:

THE LORD'S LOVE NEVER ENDS;
HIS MERCIES NEVER STOP.
THEY ARE NEW EVERY MORNING;
LORD, YOUR LOYALTY IS GREAT.
I SAY TO MYSELF, "THE LORD IS MINE,
SO I HOPE IN HIM."
THE LORD IS GOOD TO THOSE WHO HOPE IN HIM,
TO THOSE WHO SEEK HIM.

LAMENTATIONS 3:22-25

so...every morning i get up and we start a new day. i still may be sad on this new day but i am trusting in HIM that i will get through this new day and perhaps tomorrow i will be a little less sad than i was today.

keep the prayers coming.

thanks for checking in

tammy

back again...

well, i have been doing a lot of thinking lately (i know...very scary). some thoughts makes me very sad and others makes me smile.

before tim passed we had A LOT of stuff that we talked about and i thought i would share some of his thoughts (or shall i call them requests):

the first one i thought was quite humorous: "i want you to be happy but could you do me a favor and not date anyone for at least one year?" (what was that man thinking!!! he actually thought that after what he put me through i would be interested in doing that all over again?!)

the second one was more profound: "i want you to surround yourself with happy uplifting people...if anyone is pulling you down or making you crazy always complaining...move on" (pretty good advise i would say-at least for a while anyway).

the third one was about the kids: "take great care of our kids but don't let them take advantage of you now that i am not going to be around...and watch those boys!!!" (so far so good-kids have been great-but i know i have lots of help in this category). instead of 4-5 uncles they now seem to have adopted about 16 more "uncles". i will let you know if you are needed.

the fourth one: "don't be afraid to ask for help". he must have thought this one was going to be the toughest...he was ALWAYS making me promise that i would ask for anything if i needed it...and i promised. (but he was right...i don't know why but this one is a tough one for me but i will try).

well...enough for tonight.

meg is in new orleans on a service trip through the high school. they went down to work with "habitat" and rebuild homes. so far so good...but she hasn't touched any power tools yet. pray for her and that they all are safe down there.

the twins and i just got back from an express run to bloomsburg. had lunch with my parents and then went to see fred. tim's dad (fred) is in the bloomsburg hospital battling a wicked stomach virus or something...he has been in the hospital since last wednesday. he is doing much better today-hopefully coming home monday or tuesday.

thanks for checkin in

tammy

keeping busy...

i thought that we were really pretty "organized" as far as being able to prepare in some ways for tim to be gone...but reality has stepped in and i am finding out that you can NEVER be really prepared.

there is a lot of STUFF to take care of when someone dies...especially someone who still had a job and a wife and three kids at home. we are going to probate ? the will on friday and then finalize the trust account for the kids. i have been dealing with social security and that alone has been an adventure. i tried to call them on friday and then again on tuesday and then again on wednesday...82 times!!! 82 busy signals!!! YES i counted...after about the first 10 times i started making slash marks...so i get in the car and drive down into the city...have to parallel park...pay one quarter for every 10 minutes on the meter...go in and find out they moved to the 8th floor...find the elevators...take a number...take a seat...finally get called and she said "you need an appointment to do this you should have called first"

good thing there was a security guard sitting in there...

i have called the medical center and dealt with the benefits people
i have met with the PEPSI benefits people (they make house calls-nice)
i have talked to my attorney-lots
i have talked with the bank
i have talked with METLIFE
i have talked with PRUDENTIAL
i have talked with myself...lots
i have traveled to far away counties to get certified marriage certificates
i have learned how to spell PROTHONOTARY
i have forgotten that i actually have a job (or at least i had one) so in the morning i have to call my boss

many of you out there in cyberspace are wondering how i am doing...i will let you all know when i get off this roller coaster ride of calls and forms and proof of this and proof of that. hopefully by the end of next week i will be catching some free-time. it has been insane around here.

thanks for everything...especially the prayers.

thanks for checking in

tammy

home alone...

kinda weird although i think i may be able to get used to it.

i know that i should be somewhere watching the steelers game, but football has kinda lost it's edge recently...perhaps because i felt that i was forced (not really) to watch it for over 20 years and now i have a choice OR perhaps because we always watched it together that it just isn't the same without tim.

thanks to ALL of you who have self-proclaimed yourselves to check on me every couple of minutes...well, doubt that is your intent but when you take a couple hundred people and divide it among everyone it seems like i am being watched-but that is OK (for now).

i was just with my mother and she said that she had to see for herself but she left telling me that she KNOWS that i am ok (which is a stretch for her because i doubt she ever said that i was actually ok). my brother and his wife and my parents were down and we chatted...things are going to certainly be different but i think that because of the lengthy illness and the gradual change in our relationship over the last three years the transition of adjusting without him will be slightly easier than if he would have just died suddenly. (i don't know if that makes any sense to you but to me it makes perfect sense). i certainly lost my BEST FRIEND and he will be missed every minute of every day but i think i actually started my grieving process about three years ago. little by little the cancer took things from tim and our marriage and over time we had to adjust and did so rather easily maybe because the changes came slowly over the last few years. we had a very unique and very open relationship and because of that i think i am definately going to be ok.

i talked to someone yesterday (one of my 4 phone calls while i was in the ladies room at a soccer tournament) who told me something that really seemed to hit home (thanks kathy-slightly paraphrased)...she told me that only GOD knows how long we have here on this earth and because of that tim was able to experience a full life in the 45 years he had here. some people do not get to experience the things we did in 80 years nor do they get to have such an impact on others the way he did in that amount of time. maybe that was why all this time i thought he was ADHD and here all along GOD knew he was rushing around trying to fit 80 plus years into a measly 45 years. we had such a wonderful and fulfilling marriage...we traveled alot, we prayed and worshipped together, had three absolutely amazing daughters, had great jobs, made great friends, stayed great friends...i couldn't have asked for anything more. (except maybe to see the kids graduate and teach them how to drive and walk them down the aisle-but that is another blog update).

i feel blessed to have had those 21 years with the love of my life. i feel blessed to have such a HUGE support system now (even though it is tough to use the restroom sometimes). even my kids are watching out for me (when i feel i should be watching out for them).

enough rambling for one night...thanks for checking in

tammy

ps

ok i admit i am kinda excited that the steelers are in the super bowl (sorry larry)

not quite ready...

...to post yet.

just a quick note to let you all know that we made it back to harrisburg and that we are all doing pretty well considering.

thanks for checking in

tammy

big day today...

can't say that i am really looking forward to the next three days but i have been told by multiple people that they are a necessary part of the grieving process...so bring it on!!!

for GPS and MAPQUEST

if anyone out there is planning a trip to the harrisburg area tonight the address of the church here is: 4100 N Progress Ave, Harrisburg PA 17110

if anyone out there is planning a trip to the berwick area tomorrow night the address of the church there is: 801 E 5th Street, Berwick PA 18603

for the LOCAL's

i have a little request...for anyone who lives close and could come to the early part of the viewing to leave time for those traveling from out of town and will not be getting in until just before the memorial service...that would be great. you could come in and say HI and then grab some supper and come back for the service if you wish.

i know of a few that have to work and will not be able to make it here until close to 7pm.

thanks

well...the question of the day. how are the girls doing? thanks to their fantastic group of friends my girls are doing GREAT. i have (once again) been totally amazed at how wonderful of a support system that i have BUT you would not believe the way the girls friends have responded. what a tribute to them and their parents. i remember back to when i was in high school and my best friend lost her dad...i was scared and speechless and my mom had to help me muddle through the whole process (sorry kathy)...these kids down here are coming alone and coming in packs and coming with food and coming with flowers and coming with cookies (they have made themselves) and coming with hugs and coming with tears and i just stand in awe.

my kids are going to be OK

thanks for checking in

tammy

re-run

i know that i have posted this essay from megan before but reading it today seemed to mean more to me than i could ever express...it is so wonderful to know that my kids "get it" and really understood what their dad was all about. we always have talked about his values but mostly from a "religious" stand-point. we always wanted them to know and experience a personal relationship with our Lord and Savior like we have and at a very early age they did...but this letter shows me that they also understood the whole person behind DAD...and that is a job well done Tim. i am so proud of that man i married for being such a wonderful husband and a great dad. and i can't tell you how proud i am of my girls...they have had to step up to the plate and face things that some people NEVER have to face and they did it with love and compassion and they have played such a huge part of getting me through each day...

When I was younger, I always had the best relationship with my dad; he was my best friend. We’d go to baseball and football games together and I’d go “help” him with work, which was more of me socializing with his co-workers and being a distraction than anything. When we moved to Harrisburg, our relationship started to change. We didn’t get along as much, and little things slowly turned into big things. I wanted to spend time with my friends and wasn’t home as much. He worked a lot too, and we just grew apart. We both still loved each other of course, there was just a lot of tension at times and our relationship struggled from it, until recently.
On New Years Eve, 2005, my dad was admitted, for the first of many times, to Hershey Medical Center. Soon after, he was diagnosed with a severe form of lymphoma. Needless to say, over the past two to three years, the treatment went from good, to bad, to worse, back to good, to great, to not-so-good, to terrible, to a little better… you get the point. Eventually the doctors tried a stem-cell transplant, which ended up with great results. His body responded well to the procedure and for awhile the cancer was in remission. A few months later however, it was back, and tumors were growing in multiple spots on his left side of the body. After trying almost every type of chemotherapy his body could handle, a decision was made to stop treatment.
Some people would say that stopping the treatment was the equivalent to giving up and being weak. The truth is I’d say it was the complete opposite. The past eighteen years of my life I’ve looked up to my dad, regardless of how well we got along, and I still do, now more than ever. The reason he made that decision was so he could spend as much time that was humanly possible being happy and living life to the fullest. He wanted to see his daughters grow up, and be able to remember it, not lay in a hospital under heavy medication every three weeks. He knows he’ll probably die, but doesn’t everyone? Whether that time is in a few months or a few years, no one knows. When he does though, I’ll know he spent the end of his life doing what he loved, and living each day like he could never do it again. That takes strength.
When I looked up the definition of the word “fight,” this is what I found: to engage in battle; attempt to defend against, defeat, or destroy an adversary. My father may have stopped the treatments, but he defeated the cancer. He knows that there’s more to life than how long it is. The kind of strength it took my father to not only survive the first two to three years of the cancer, but to take control of the situation and finish his life off strong, is the kind of strength I hope I too can develop. I want to push myself for the rest of my life to make a difference and enjoy it while I can.

enough said

thanks for checking in

tammy

obituary...

Timothy Scott Dewalt, age 45, went home to be with his Lord on January 9th, 2009, surrounded by his family following a three year battle with cancer. Tim, who was always a fierce competitor in sports, exemplified that same fight and courage in his battle against the lymphoma that attacked his body.
Born on October 27th, 1963 in Berwick he was the son of Fred Dewalt and the late Joyce (Rupert) Dewalt.
Tim graduated from Berwick High School in 1981. Upon graduation, Tim continued his lifetime career with the Pepsi Organization, totaling nearly 30 years. Tim was an outstanding employee who continually moved forward in various roles within the company. His most recent position was as a Business Development Manager operating out of the Harrisburg office. Tim will always be remembered as a “people” person, always putting others first. Pepsi rewarded that commitment by taking outstanding care of Tim and his family through this difficult illness.
Tim’s passions involved God, his family and sports. In particular he loved to play the game of baseball. He was an outstanding High School infielder, playing for the Berwick Bulldogs and the Berwick American Legion Team. After high school, he played hard ball for North Berwick and soft ball with local City league and church softball teams. He also helped coach little league baseball. Tim always enjoyed running as well. In recent years Tim’s interests were channeled into the lives of his daughters and their sports’ careers.
Prior to moving to Harrisburg in 2001, Tim and his family lived, worked and attended church in Berwick. Tim attended the Harrisburg First Assembly of God, where he was active in many different ministries. He served as children’s pastor and a member of the church board.
Tim and his wife Tammy Conner Dewalt celebrated their 21st anniversary on November 7, 2008. In addition to his wife, he is survived by three teenage daughters: Megan and twins Ashley and Kelsey, a brother Mark Dewalt, Berwick, and a sister Gwen Stancavage, Numidia.
A celebration of Tim’s life will be held at the Harrisburg Assembly of God, Progress Avenue, Monday January 12th, following a viewing from 4-7 pm. On January 13th, at the Berwick Assembly of God, a public viewing will be held from 4-7 pm, followed by funeral services conducted by Reverend Stephen Rhoades. The burial will be at the convenience of the family.
In lieu of flowers, contributions can be made to a Trust fund for the Dewalt girls. Contributions can be sent to: The Timothy S. Dewalt Testamentary Trust at M&T Bank, 2600 Linglestown Rd, Harrisburg PA, 17110.

my heart...

...aches tonight.

i have lost the love of my life and the father of my children. this makes my heart actually hurt.

my heart...

...rejoices tonight.

i have the blessed assurance that tim is with the heavenly angels singing praises to our Lord and Savior. what a wonderful picture.

my heart...

...is relieved tonight.

no more cancer. no more pills. no more chemo. no more shots. no more suffering. no more pain.

friday night at approximately 10pm tim quietly and peacefully surrounded by family went to be with the Lord. so often we questioned the how and the when and the why...but none of that really mattered at the end. he was shown all the love and all the compassion that anyone could imagine and then a little more. it was so overwhelming how many family and friends found ways to express themselves to us these last three years. (for example: tonight we received three full course dinners in the time span of 90 minutes-bizarre-who is going to send me a membership to the local gym)

i found it so interesting all the people that were literally being torn up inside seeing tim like that at the end just kept coming back for just one more hug and one more kiss. thank you for making his last days here on earth just the way he would have wanted...surrounded by love and laughter. (you made me proud robin).

in my mind i have written this blog over and over and over again but i don't think i put any of that stuff in here tonight. as you all know i by now i speak from my heart...and i rarely pull any punches. i am hurting. i will be honest...this really sucks...every time i look into the eyes of one of my kids i could scream. every time i look into the eyes of tim's dad i want to cry. but all i can do is put my trust in God and know that He will pull us through this time.

"my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 corinthians 12:9

please keep this family is your prayers. some say that i will be needing them more now that tim is gone...that could very well be true. pray for my girls.

thanks for checking in

tammy

ps...i haven't decided how much longer i will be blogging. right now things are going to be crazy but i will try and post the obituary when it is done. keep checking in...i will be back for a little while at least.

2am update

HICCUPS

that is about all that has really changed. poor tim has the hiccups bad.

still in that holding pattern i guess. he is still sleeping alot but the hiccups are making him very restless...he is not quite as calm as he was. so...if you are looking for a "specific" prayer request: pray for the hiccups to go and the pain to stay controlled.

keep praying for my cough to go away...i did finally break down and see a doctor. antibiotics and cough syrup with codeine but i am still hacking away.

fred has gone home for a break and my mom has returned for support. i have the most amazing family and friends anyone could ask for...i thank GOD all the time for giving me such a support system to help me get through each day and sometimes each hour.

thanks for checking in

tim and tammy

early morning again...

this must be my roaming time...between 3 and 4 am.

i know that everyday everyone is just waiting to read another blog update so i am trying to update as often as i can. i don't really have much new to say about tim. he is in a holding pattern of "mostly" comfortable sleep. there are times that he will wake up and say he is in pain, but they are getting fewer each day. his pain is pretty regulated. thanks for all your prayers and please keep praying.

thanks go out for the "baby monitor". i had to send out a call and as always you come through. the continuous care nurses have been pulled away since his pain is more controlled so we are handling most of his care ourselves. the monitor allows us to leave the room for short spells and not worry that he is trying to get up.

my family and i have been amazed at the generous response to e-mails and blog comments for tim (and me and the girls). we have reached in the hundreds of responses. it means so much to know that we have such a HUGE network of family and friends and people we have never met reaching out to us, offering help to us and praying for us. some still make me cry and some are humorous and so many just make me so proud of my husband and the positive effect that he has had on so many people. thanks so much for letting him know and showing his girls what a great guy i had the privilege of marrying and what an awesome dad they have.

i have to get going...thanks for checking in

i will keep in touch.

tim and tammy

3:49am

that is the middle of my shift of sitting with tim tonight. because of the weather the 10pm hospice nurse was not able to make it in from lancaster. fred and the girls took the late night and i am on the mid-night and fred will take back over early am.

not much has changed. i see him getting weaker and less and less responsive as the hours go by. we think we have finally acheived the point that he is comfortable most of the time. i doubt that he really knows that someone is here to see him. (or if he recognizes you he will probably not remember that you were here).

we are still loving on him and sending all your love his way. he is never alone and on the rare occasion that he does open his eyes someone is there to tell him that we love him and that it will be ok. i know this may sound bad...but i can't wait until he opens his eyes and is in the awesome presence of the LORD>...he will wonder why he fought it so long.

before he got really bad we often talked about his mother (she passed away about 12-13 years ago). he said he imagined that she was just waiting for him to arrive so that she could play him a song on the most amazing piano...she loved to play the piano and he loved to listen.

thanks for checking in

gotta go

tim and tammy

HOSPICE to the rescue...

since our weekend was so crappy and our sleep so deprived...hospice has decided that we need continuous care for a spell. so starting at 10pm tonight there will be an LPN at our house to make sure tim is attended to and that i am getting some sleep. pray for me...my cold is lingering and i need the rest to try and fight it off and i have a cough that just won't quit. everything is in slow motion today. they will stay until they feel his pain is controlled.

mom and dad are still down and fred went home for a day...tomorrow they are switching. i will have fred in the house and my parents will head home for a much needed break.

thanks to all of you that have offered to help sit with tim...it was an overwhelming response. now that hospice has come into the picture i think we are going to be fine for now. they upped the pain meds again today and perhaps will need to again tomorrow. we are watching his pain level very closely.

well...can't chat long. i wish i could somehow express how greatful we are for all your prayers and e-mails and blog updates. i would feel very safe in saying that there is no one on this earth that will know how loved they are more than my husband. it has been amazing. thank you all.

thanks for checking in.

tim and tammy

10 minutes...

our world right now is broken down into 10 minute segments...tim's pain has gotten worse through the night and hospice was in to re-adjust the pain meds but even with the increase in dosage he is needing to press the pump bolice every 10 minutes.

that would not be too bad if he was aware of what was going on...between the pain and the meds he is not always awake. SO...we have to set up shifts to sit at his bed-side and press the button every ten minutes. right now the twins are taking a shift, then my parents are going to take from 11-1am, then i will take from 1am-5am then fred will take from 5am-7am.

we are all taking turns sleeping. it is a bit bizarre.

for the most part he is not really aware of his surrounding most of the time. he is still having some times when he will get a spell of talking and he might eat a little but for the most part he is resting (best he can). his breathing is getting a bit labored and he has pretty bad sleep apnea. he has waves of being cold and clammy and waves of being hot and sweaty.

our apologies to anyone who may have called today and we didn't get back to you...things have gotten really crazy here and perhaps will stay that way for awhile. you can keep trying...we check messages best we can and i will make an effort to try to return calls on monday if i can.

pray for a peace
pray this pain can be controlled
pray he doesn't have to suffer much longer

i hate to see him suffer like this.

even today on his maximum level of meds he rated his pain at a 15. (this was a 1 to 10 scale).

thanks for checking in

tim and tammy

hospice...

we finally broke down...

we signed all the forms
we got a PICC line
we got a pain pump
we got a hospital bed

we have an RN
we have an LPN
we have an aide
we have a social worker
we have a chaplain
we have drugs

right now we only will see the nurse a few times a week and the aide will be in to meet us this week and set up a schedule if we want.

it is kinda like having an out of body experience...signing the DNR (do not resuscitate) form was freaky. even though i am totally aware of exactly what is going on here there are some things that make me stop in my tracks and say "is this really happening or is it all a bad dream".

at one point i just looked over at him while he was dosing and i started to cry...i am starting to realize just how much i love that man and how much i am going to miss him when he is gone. i am so proud of him and the way he is handling this mess. he has been such a trooper. i know how much pain he is in and i see how he interacts with visitors and i am amazed. (he is always telling me that he doesn't want anyone to worry about him).

i have laundry to do and then i have to go check on him...the kids are dad-sitting while i am getting some stuff around the house done. (they have been great though this whole mess...really great) he was afraid that after the kids found out they would avoid him but they have actually stepped up and made us so proud. we know that it is hard for them but they are helping wherever they can and most of the time that is by sitting with him so i can roam.

i will shoot out an update when i can

thanks for checking in

tim and tammy

2009

the first day of 2009 started off pretty decent...then came the rose bowl :[

even tim followed the same pattern...pretty decent in the early hours and pretty rough in the late hours. i wish i could somehow explain what living in this house has been like the past few days...we have our highs and we have our lows.

tim is having periods of mild to moderate pain and then he is having periods of moderate to high pain. friday he is scheduled for radiation at 8:30am followed by the insertion of a PICC LINE (a temporary central line site so that when he is ready for hospice they can put him on a pain pump).

hospice has come in and we met and chatted...kinda weird. we decided that he is not quite ready for round the clock hospice but we are certainly getting closer to that time every day. once we get the line in on friday they can be in and be set up in no time with just a phone call.

he is starting to eat less and less. he is starting to drink less and less. he is starting to take more pain medication. more tumors are rapidly growing. i believe that things are going to get intense.

i will update with any changes as they occur.

thanks for checking in

tim and tammy