dinner out...

as you all know by now...everyone wants to know how i am doing



i still have my good days and my bad days



i did have something that kinda "bothered" me the other night. i never told the two couples that i went out to dinner with so i guess now they will know ... i am certain they are faithful bloggers.



i was asked to go out for dinner a couple of weeks ago and of course i said NO because i had to go home and mow my grass ?? like it wouldn't be there in the morning. that should have been my first clue that things were going to get weird.



so having the persistent friends that i have they insisted that i come and even offered/threatened to come pick me up so i told them i would meet them at the restaurant at 6pm (but that i was NOT happy about the lawn not getting done)



now...keep in mind that this is my FIRST time out for dinner (without my kids or my family). it seems as though my kids are becoming quite a stability factor in my life. good or bad i am not sure but i got kinda freaked out that night. (hopefully they were not aware of "what was going on inside my head")



i can't really describe what happened but i just knew that it was time to leave. we had a wonderful dinner and had lots of laughter and conversation but something inside just snapped. they were all going to walk up to another store after dinner and i just excused myself (told them i was going to go home and watch my grass grow even longer) and got into the car. the second i got in the car i just broke down in tears. BOY can i just tell you that if there is one thing that bothers me...this is it. NOT BEING IN CONTROL!!! i hate it!!



now i am sure that m & j feel terrible about right now BUT i am not telling you all this because i blame them...infact i am VERY GLAD that they "coerced" me to go out to dinner that night. i did have a wonderful time and i did enjoy the company...i guess i am just telling you all this because it is "part of the process". that big ugly painful process!!!!



hard to imagine how lonely one can feel even in a crowd and this is "only" after 21 years of marriage. i can't fathom living with someone for 40-50 plus years and then having to go on without them. tough stuff. fred...when you were down yesterday telling me that it will soon be 13 years since the love of your life (tims mom) passed away i wanted so much to ask you if it ever gets any easier-but then i couldn't ask because maybe i don't want to know the answer you would have given me.

there is a song that i used to love...but now when i hear it i tear up everytime.

it is song by carrie underwood and called "just a dream"

"ooh, baby, why'd you leave me? Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe

It's like I'm looking from a distance, standing in the background...

This can't be happening to me, this is just a dream."


well...i know it is not a dream but i do know there are times when i am looking from a distance and standing in the background and i can't even breathe. that is what happen the other night when i was out...not a huge fan of that feeling!! (and it is not the first time that has happened)

will i go out to dinner with them again? absolutely (if they ever invite me again)



and the next time i will probably be fine...like i said...it is just a process and if i stop doing things because i am afraid then i might as well become a hermit. never was there a time in my life that i have felt so "vulnerable" and so "not in control". so i take one day at a time and once i get thru that one i start another one.


life is weird.



i have no idea how i am going to react to different situations...although "tears" seems to be the number one response to most things these days (yippie).



i guess i am glad that i don't get angry or depressed and quiet. everyone reacts differently to this kind of "life-changing" event. so if we are out and about and i excuse myself for no apparent reason...just relax. i will be fine.



life is not always as it seems.



life is not always cracking jokes and busting on exercise (but it certainly helps)


i have to admit i am feeling like i have a good mix...i think i am going to be ok?!?!


lonely even in a crowd but ok



thanks for checking in



tammy



ps...and remember i still LOVE to eat out so keep that in mind. (but if ANYONE asks me if i am doing OK during dinner i will probably toss a roll at their head).

a little disappointed...

YES...today was the day we received the letter from PSU stating the following:

"we were touched by your personal story of loss and financial challenges"

"you and your family are to be admired"

"selecting one recipient from an outstanding pool of applicants was difficult"

"...has chosen another student to receive this years..."

i guess we are all disappointed in the fact that megan was not selelcted but like i said at work the other day...if there is someone out there that has it worse off than us...then they deserve the award. but now i have to wonder if i really meant what i said.

so i took some time tonight to reflect a bit on the whole big picture and this is what i came up with. yes...we are not thrilled with the fact that we were not selected but i also know that i feel a peace about the whole situation. many of us have put a lot of prayer into this scholarship application and for some reason that we may never know it was not meant to be (perhaps the person who got the award will someday find a cure for the swine flu or maybe invent a way to exercise without the use of a treadmill or ellipical).

i wasn't sure how i would react when the letter came...i was home alone and it was addressed to megan so i did what any parent would do...I OPENED IT. but strange to say i didn't really have any negative vibes towards the situation besides feeling a little bad for megan...but i am so sure that she is doing what she should be doing and that we are doing the best that we can do and i know that we are going to be OK.

i read the letter and put in back into the envelope and when meg came home we briefly talked about it and off we went...one to a baseball game and one to a soccer game. case closed (although they did recommend that she send her letter to another possible scholarship sponsored by the american cancer society-which she already started).

so we are back to taking one day at a time and will end up like 90% of the college world...with student loans to pay off.

thanks for all your prayers and concern

thanks for checking in

tammy

(my mother just asked me if i REALLY put the porch light on...wouldn't you love to know)

"the treadmill" part II

well, let me start off by saying that i am overwhelmed at all the support and stuff that has been directed towards my last blog entry...seems like i touched on a "touchy" subject for some and a "familar" subject for some and "i've been there done that" subject for others.





so i am getting the vibe that you are all wondering if i am going to:





hang the laundry on the treadmill (come on...can i get a witness)





watch the kids use the treadmill





place the treadmill for sale on e-bay





or actually use the rotten thing.



i can tell you that i have struggled long and hard for that same answer...and although it may be too soon to know for sure where this is going... here is my story...



the treadmill and the ellipical are set up just at the bottom of the basement stairs...pretty close to the washer and the dryer so that while i am down stairs i can get something productive done (although what exactly i can accomplish in the 7 minutes i survive on the treadmill is still a bit sketchy).



the first couple of days were kinda like a trial and error experimental time...i would get on the treadmill and hit the start button and pray that i would survive the next 7 minutes or so. then i got a bit better and figured out that there were pre-set routines that you could press and for a time frame of about 30 minutes the machine would just guide you through a work-out program. (i know this because i bought the STUPID treadmill...it doesn't really know if i am actually on it or if i am just standing along side watching it). yes i would find a pre-set workout and hit start and after about 7 minutes i would jump off and just watch it go-watch it go faster and faster and watch it go higher and higher (incline). there was NO WAY that i was going to survive some of those programs...but i finally settled on one they call CARDIO. it is about a 30 minute walk which varies in speed and incline. the first day i tried it i actually got all the way through the warm-up before breaking out in a sweat (and jumping off).



now...for those of you who don't know me very well...i HATE to exercise. i HATE to sweat. i HATE to get out of breath therefore i am now quite miserable. i am EMBARRASSED that i am so out of shape (unless you count round as a shape). but somewhere deep within all the hate i know that tim was right and that i need to start taking better care of myself...so i sit down one day and i make a plan.



this is what i came up with:





i only exercise on days that i do not work (hence the request to work extra days)


i only exercise in the morning when i am home alone (obvious reasons)



i always put on the porch light (the ambulance should know how to find the house)



i always put my phone to speed-dial 911 (so i can tell them i am the house with the porch light on)



i always take a snack downstairs (incase i can not manage enough energy to get back up the stairs after my workout-just looking at the stairs some days makes me cry)



i always attach that silly emergency shut off cord incase the treadmill decides to once again toss me off the back. (just kidding-sorta)



i always have my IPOD music to listen to while i exercise (and i have actually finally made it past the first song recently)

the treadmill has a button on it called FAN...i am not sure exactly what FAN stands for but it certainly does not involve blowing any "significant" air so i have a NOTE TO SELF to buy a large commercial industrial size fan (perhaps from NASA).

i know that you all think i am probably exaggerating a bit...but sad to say i am not all that far off. for the past few weeks i have been heading down into that basement the whole time coming up with hundreds of other things that i could be doing instead of torturing myself...but down i go.

the last thing that i routinely do is that once i get downstairs i TAKE OFF my wedding rings (which i have been told by my children is a required attire for at least one year...) and lay them just above the STOP button. this way everytime that i want to hit the STOP button and get off i have to get thru tim first. (i know that is kinda wierd) you would be surprised how often just looking at those rings kept me on the treadmill for another few minutes.

i am glad to say that 3 times i have actually made it to the end of the entire cardio routine...and because of that i now know how it got its name. one who does the CARDIO workout has a good chance of ending up in the CARDIO intensive care unit. or at the very least feel the need for a stent or two.

i am actually seeing a slow improvement in how long i can last on the treadmill but i have to admit it is not getting any easier. there are some days i just want to scream...and because i am home alone you will never know if i actually do. i am not just a little out of shape. i hurt. i get short of breath. i ache all the time. i sweat. i shake. there are days that i want to just give up and quit and days that i wish i was working (how sad is that) but so far i have been pretty good at keeping my promise (to at least try).

many of you have told me to take it slow. keep at your own pace. i am kinda glad for the pre-set cardio workout or else i fear i would be like the slowsky's on that comcast commercial. i don't feel very motivated...just obligated!!! perhaps over time that will change a bit but for now just say a prayer for me. pray this old body can take the abuse and that this mind can admit that this is a good thing to be doing. and don't worry...i am taking it at a good pace to start.

thanks for checking in

tammy

ps...i am not liking this sudden weather change too much, although i have to admit the thought of me in capri pants has gotten me into the basement to workout a time or two lately.

and for those of you who are now afraid to ask me how i am doing (sorry about that)...now you have something else to ask...if it is my day off ask...did you treadmill today? (although perhaps asking from a distance would be wise).

"the treadmill" part 1

i know that the last few years i have been relatively "in-active" when it comes to an activity or exercise point of view. not just because my friend m.s. keeps reminding me but i can tell when i walk up stairs and try to keep up with the kids at the mall.



i suppose that i can blame tim for part of the problem because of all the countless hours i spent with him in doctors offices and sitting with him while he was in the hospital and watching hours and hours of sports on ESPN when he was home...but ultimately i have to admit that i have been "in-active" because i hate to exercise.



a few months ago i told you all that tim and i had a lot of time (doesn't seem like a lot now) to discuss many many things. i told you the many things that he offered as advice to me for after he was gone and for the most part it was good advice. i don't think that i went into any detail about all the promises that he wanted me to make to him...but i would like to discuss this one.



one of the things that we discussed in great depth was my "lack of motivation" with regard to exercise. he pulled the old line...you should consider yourself lucky that you feel good enough to exercise (unlike him of course). and the older line...it is for your own good (like that was really going to work). and the ultimate gut-getter...do it for the kids...they are going to need ONE parent around. ok...i have to admit it is the last one that gets me everytime!!!



i hated when he pulled that line out...but as you know and i know he was right.



no more excuses...well, at least none that actually will work or so i thought...



so...after he was gone the kids and i got together and decided that we should join a gym together...the only problem with that was that because of our vast difference in what we were looking for in a gym we came up with 4 different places to join. $$$$ not going to happen.



some are looking for quiet and small and members that are old and fat. (that would be me)



some are looking for loud and large and members that are male and ripped. (that would be them)



some are looking for one with a pool. (like i want to put on a bathing suit)



some are looking for a 24 hour key card access (like i want my teenage daughter going to the gym at 2am).



as you can see we hit a wall...there seemed to be NO WAY we were all going to agree on a gym to join so instead we decided to set up our own gym in the basement of our home. so with some of the life insurance money off i went to the sporting goods store to look for that perfect machine that would satisfy my teens BUT not kill their mother.



i was not aware of the new advances in the line of treadmills but after watching them on display i had this sudden flashback to "the jetsons" cartoon and that opening scene with treadmill. i was starting to get scared. then the nice young cute gentleman suggested perhaps i would prefer an alternative to the treadmill and he took me over to the machine called an elliptical...after trying out one of those he wasn't so cute anymore...the 24 seconds that i was able to remain on the elliptical was much less than the 3 minutes and 15 seconds i lasted on the treadmill...so i decided on the treadmill for me and the ellipical for the girls.

so the machines were ordered and i prepared the basement for their arrival. i thought i had prepared myself for the arrival but boy was i wrong...i had to fight such a battle. and i am not talking about the battle of the bulge...i am talking a get down and get dirty internal battle. me versus me. it was so hard...at one point i was ready to just give up and say forget it. you know those cartoons with the little angel on one shoulder (that one had a tim face) and the little devil on the other (that one had a tam face)...that was me for weeks!!! i could talk myself into and out of exercising like a pro...it was like i had a split personality (some may still wonder if perhaps i really do...). was i strong enough to fight through this battle and win or did i use the "it's too soon" defense and put everything on hold for a bit...or are we stuck in the middle somewhere???

interested in the whole ugly story... stayed tuned...part 2 will soon follow.

thanks for checking in

tammy

"an old suit"

actually this should be titled "a few old suits"...



as we ALL know there comes that time soon after a loved one passes on that we need to attend to certain necessary things. the list is VERY LONG but at some point there comes a time when one has to get rid of the clothing. some like to do it right away while others seem to want to hang on to things for a bit longer. i doubt that there is a right or wrong time to make that decision. i think each person is different and that when it is time you will know.



in my case i choose to start the process pretty early. perhaps because deep down i ALWAYS wanted HIS closet because it had a light when the door opened (mine did not even have a door let alone a light) or perhaps because i just needed to DO SOMETHING and that was one thing that i could DO.



many of tim's things were given to friends and relatives. some given to people in need. some were given to the salvation army. but there are a few items that are still just "hanging out" here in the house. so the other day i decided to go through some of those last lingering items...what an adventure through memory lane that became.



let's first start off with saying that i was very very glad to be alone while going through my husbands suit jacket pockets. (not because of finding any illegal substances or sex toys-did i just say that- but because it was very emotional for me...i was actually wishing for some illegal substances by the time i was done).



i am not a big "purse carrier" but i suppose that a guys suit jacket is very similar to a womans purse...and that most women do not want guys going through their purses...but i doubt tim was going to mind.



it started off pretty basic...a few life savers and a few kleenex and a few pens and a few dollars. but then i started pulling out the memories. i suppose that someday the memories that i have stowed away with tim will not feel like a knife ripping through my heart but right now i have to admit that they do not only make me cry but they cause me pain. i don't think that i ever really understood what the term "heartache" really meant or felt like until now. i thought i had an idea of how i was going to feel after tim was gone because i have lost a grandparent or an uncle or a mother-in-law...but honestly...i did not have a clue what it feels like to lose a "soul-mate" (but i will save that topic for another post).



so what exactly did i pull out of those pockets...by now you certainly have been able to guess two of the three things that i found.





number 1: the blessed wedding program

i will not say which wedding it was for because that did not matter. what happened when i saw it was that i flew back in time to the MANY MANY weddings that we attended together. from our own wedding way back in 1987 all the way up to his aunt peggy's wedding just recently where we quietly renewed our vows and thanks to the help of co-workers i was able to replace his wedding band right smack in the middle of the ceremony. weddings are going to be rough for me. if looking at programs is tough i can't imagine what sitting through one is going to be like. wish me luck because i have one coming up real soon...and although i am looking forward to the wedding itself i am kinda dreading the actual ceremony part (sorry nicole-hope you can understand coming to your wedding without "uncle tim" is going to be a challenge because he was so looking forward to being there himself. he loved you so much).


number 2: the blessed memorial program


there again it does not matter whose i found or how many i found (what are you supposed to do with those things anyway?) it was like having a visit from the ghost of christmas past...very weird. i started to remember all the MANY MANY funerals that we attended together. in the early years it seemed as though we were going to a funeral a week. tim knew so many people and so each time there was a funeral i would tag along with him (mostly because he would take me out for dinner afterwards). more recently i was finding it a bit harder to attend the funerals because we kinda knew where we were heading and we would sit in a funeral service and he would lean over and say...i want this or i don't want that...or don't you dare let them play that song at my funeral...how depressing...i want it more upbeat...i don't want people to get depressed at my funeral (NO COMMENT HERE...i am trying to keep this PG-13). i am not sure that i will do very well at the future funerals...hopefully there will not be any that i have to attend in the near future.



number 3: the blessed "teeth"



yes...you are not just foggy from tearing up...i said TEETH. for those of you lucky enough to work with me on easter sunday you may have actually seen the teeth. so picture me sitting in my bedroom with a box of kleenex crying my eyes out and reaching into another pocket and pulling out a set of those "billy bob teeth". it was like a voice reaching down from heaven and telling me to lighten up a bit. i had gotten myself into such a mess...you know the kind of mess that you get in where you can't hardly breath and there is snot everywhere and you have a massive headache...tell me WHY those teeth were in the last suit and the last pocket that i searched??? GOD certainly does have a sense of humor and so did tim. the suits that he wore to funerals and weddings and important work meetings held a pair of "teeth" that even after he was gone made me laugh.



like i said earlier i was glad that i was alone that day that i went through the suits only to realize that i was not really ever ALONE. i am not going to be kept from having to go through the grief process (oh goody) but i do know that i am not going through this process alone. i guess i came to understand that it is ok to occasionally go down into that dark and lonely valley (because unfortunately i do think it is a necessary part of this painful process) but i need to remember to come back up also. it is ok to laugh a little during the grieving process.

"but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength..."

thanks for checking in

tammy

"how are you doing?"

"how are you REALLY doing?"


"are you REALLY doing ok?"


i don't want anyone to get defensive or upset but what exactly am i supposed to say when i am asked that question 34 times a day??


i guess if i knew the whole honest answer to that question it would be a whole lot easier to answer it but i often wonder if anyone really wants to know how i REALLY am doing or if they don't know what else to say to me. but i am quite sure that if i gave them my HONEST answer just once they probably would not ask me again for a very long time.


just between you and me when i am asked the question "are you REALLY doing ok?" my first initial response would have to be "hell no". but being brought up to be a quiet reserved respectful christian lady that i am (well, that may be a stretch) i could NEVER give that response to someone who would ask. so instead i smile and say "i am fine". sometimes i wonder which response is worse...


i have been trying to decide if i should discontinue the blog and start a hand-written journal where i can really say how i am feeling without feeling guilty...why would i feel guilty?? perhaps because i know that my father-in-law reads this and my pastor reads this and my co-workers read this and occasionally my kids read this and somehow my mother finds out what i write...and sometimes i am not sure i should be feeling the way i am feeling and if i actually fess up to my true feelings they may send a "paddy wagon" to take me away...far far away (not that some days that would be a bad thing)...or worse yet they may feel sorry for me...YUK!!


just about the time i was sure that i was going to quit blogging i got a comment from a friend from the old neighborhood...who sad to say experienced something very similar in her life and told me how much she appreciated the blog and that i should keep on blogging. so the next month or so is going to be dedicated to a friend...donna these next few are for you...you are in my daily prayers.


all the books on grief tell you that everyone handles these emotions differently and that no one can tell you how or when or for how long...so i am going to give it a shot and go back to my "original" sometimes comic way of blogging. it may not always be for the faint of heart...i am going to be REAL and perhaps you would prefer the cliff notes over the whole text...so you can decide.


some may make you laugh...


some may make you cry...


some may make you think...


some may make you wonder if i am ok...


some may make you sure that i am ok...


i can't promise that i will update all that often but i can tell you that if you have to wait it will be worth the wait...i am feeling energized already and feel that this is what i am needing to do whether it be for me or for someone else. so if you REALLY want to know how i am doing come on back in a couple of days and take a look.


so...stay tuned





future topics to include the following:





"the treadmill"


"praise and worship"


"pepsi"


"an old suit"


"country music"


just to name a few...


thanks for checking in







tammy

another dreary wednesday

but friday's forecast is looking much better. i think i may try out my NEW lawn mower on friday if it gets as nice as they say it will. i am looking forward to getting outside and working in the yard again. this rain and wind and cold is getting old.

family had a nice easter...it was a short visit for me but i got to see everyone and that was worth the trip up for 18 hours. plus my dad had a chance to fix the brakes on my van which saved me a bundle not having to get them done down here. and an extra bonus...every time he takes my van it somehow ALWAYS comes back vacuumed and with a full tank of gas...very nice.

not much else going on other than work and the usual school related stuff...plus the fact that we are getting ready for an all day field hockey tournament for kelsey which may lead to a week long national tournament if she qualifies and a "sweet 16" party for the twins and the golf tournament plus megan's high school graduation. and i wonder why my doctor keeps asking me if i think i need to be on anything for stress or anxiety.

still learning to take one day at a time.

thanks for checking in

tammy

happy easter

seems like a friday

kids are officially on easter break...i guess that means no curfew??? megan is out with friends to see a movie and i just picked kelsey up at an indoor soccer game on the west shore (she was watching this time, not playing). there is at least one extra person sleeping over maybe two.

i have one more day off...i understand part of that day is to go shopping for white shoes for sunday. apparently the twins have been sharing a pair of white dress shoes and are running into issues for easter sunday.

kinda glad i don't have to deal with that issue this year. (having to work saved me some money not having to shop for an easter outfit for me). i often look back into the archives to see what we were doing at this time last year and this time the year before. it has come to my attention that things have been rather CRAPPY the last few easters...really CRAPPY.

last year easter was in march and tim was in the hospital (i believe they discharged him on easter sunday).

the year before was the easter that he found the lump on his rib and a week or so after he was diagnosed with his relapsed lymphoma.

can't really say that this one is going to rate real high up on my list either.

i just have to remember "the reason for the season" and keep in mind that it is not about me or how i feel or whether or not i work or whether or not i can get to church or spend time with family. what we celebrate on easter sunday is what gets me through each and every day that i have to live without tim being around. it is the assurance that i know without a shadow of doubt that CHRIST rose from the dead and the tomb was empty. tim is in heaven right now celebrating easter in a way that we will never understand until we someday join him.

thanks for checking in

tammy

palm sunday...

hard to believe we are this close to easter sunday already...time has been flying by...infact just today i looked at my yard and the grass is actually green. (well...at least the weeds are green). my father-in-law bought me a brand new lawn mower a couple of weeks ago. (all last year i shared a mower with my neighbor) hard to imagine that i am actually looking forward to mowing the grass for the first time.

i work on monday and then off to PSU on tuesday...that is exciting!!! we are going to spend the day touring the agriculture department and then hit the town for maybe a sticky bun and a cheese steak.

things have been going ok around here. busy with soccer and college stuff but overall we seem to be keeping up alright. over the easter break we have 4 soccer games in 6 days...that will keep us hopping.

i have to work good friday, saturday and easter sunday...kelsey has a game on saturday and then i believe they are heading to berwick for a couple of days.

i will update later on this week. have a good one.

thanks for checking in

tammy

dreary wednesday

i suppose that it would be a little bit better if the sun was shining when one is finalizing cemetery "stuff".

last week i drove to berwick and ordered a memorial marker for tim's grave site...which happens to be in section 20, plot 10, space 7 incase you where wondering. today i had to finalize the draft and mail it back for confirmation. it was a little easier just saying the dates when i was in berwick than actually looking at a picture of OUR head stone. (kinda creepy).

then i got a letter from the cemetery association stating that they really can't place a stone on my half of the plot until i purchase the space...that will be in section 20, plot 10, space 8 incase you were wondering. so back to the check book to buy "my space". that little bit of real estate cost me $475.00. at least we are overlooking the soccer fields and have a decent view of my brother's auto body shop.

the best part about getting all this stuff done now is that when the time comes...my kids will not have to mess with all this "dreary" stuff. all i will need is an end date on the stone.

actually i am kinda glad it is a dreary day outside because i am having a dreary day inside and it would have been a shame to waste a nice day.

on a positive note...the berwick spaghetti dinner was a big success. lots of spagett's and lots of fellowship. megan really enjoyed herself and the fund-raiser gave us more than enough funds to buy all meg's books for her entire freshman year plus have some put aside to cover some of her "Fees"...THANKS TO ALL who participated in the event.

keep us all in your prayers...i have been keeping 2 corinthians 4:8-9 (NLT) on my mind...

"we are pressed on every side by troubles. but we are not crushed and broken.
we are perplexed, but we don't give up and quit.
we are hunted down, but GOD never abandons us.
we get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going."

some days are still better than others and there are some days i hope that i don't have to repeat...one day at a time!!!! the kids keep me going but my heart still aches terrible and my mind still wanders...wondering about the future and stuff that i really have no control over.

pray that we can all keep getting up and keep going.

thanks for checking in

tammy